


Sweet Lie

by TabisMouse (Mousieta)



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Drunk Sex, Getting Back Together, M/M, Mutual Pining, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-11
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2019-07-10 22:29:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 22,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15958886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mousieta/pseuds/TabisMouse
Summary: For the Prompt: Seunghyun called it off before he enlisted, Seungri resists and is devastated but survives as he always does. He quietly suffers and heals through the break-up and Seunghyun's scandals. They grow distant, cordial but never friendly again.Years later where BB is back after completing enlistment, both of them realize their feelings never left.





	1. Chapter 1

Seungri checked himself just before falling back onto his bed. Pulling his buzzing phone from his pocket, he looked at the name displayed in confusion. “Hello?”  _ Who could this - _

“Ri-yah!” 

“Youngbae-hyung?!” Seungri said in shock. “What are you doing calling me?”

“I wanted to see how my  _ favorite little bro _ is doing! What, I can’t call?” 

Seungri could hear the smile in Youngbae’s voice, a smile that would reach all the way up to squish his eyes with tiny little wrinkles. “Don’t you - like - have a wife?”

“I mean, you were at the wedding.” Youngbae was teasing him.

“You know what I mean! You just got married. Why are you calling me and not her?”

“I see ‘Rin every week. I wanted to hear your pretty voice.”

“Hyuuung,” Seungri groaned, falling back into his bed and staring up at the ceiling. Youngbae didn’t respond, silence filling the space between them. But a companionable silence. 

“So how’s the military?” Seungri asked, fiddling absently with his shirt hem.

“Oh,” Youngbae paused, “you know, it’s the military.”

Seungri rolled his eyes. “That’s what I’ve been told.”

“How are you, Ri?” 

“Oh,  _ you know _ ,” he said, mimicking Youngbae’s tone, “good.” He took a deep breath. “Still really freakin’ busy.” Seungri dragged a hand through his hair, fluffing it then giving it a tug. “I opened a new branch of the store, started setting up in the studio...”

“Yeah, man!” Youngbae’s voice sounded a bit tight. He was tip-toeing around what he really wanted to ask. Seungri decided to wait him out. 

“Yeah, you know, going through all the songs I’ve written - CEO has been all over me man.”

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah, he’s like always coming around, he’s had me play a couple dozen songs for him already. He’s never shown this much interest.”

“Hey, Ri, that’s great.”

The silence between them this time was more tense. Seungri contemplated telling Youngbae to just come out with it when-

“So, how  _ are  _ you?” he was asking again but this time his voice was low, serious. Not asking about Seungri the singer, but about Seungri. 

“I’m fine, Bae.” Seungri resented him a bit. He really  _ was  _ fine. “Like I said, just busy.”

“Not dating or-”

Seungri laughed. “Yeah like I have time for that. Yeah, no. No dating.”

“Seunghyun-”

“Oh, God, is that it?” Seungri realized he’d snapped. “Sorry, sorry, hyung. What about Seunghyun? I haven’t seen him at all.”

“No - I -” Youngbae’s voice trailed off. 

_ What, Youngbae, you what?  _ Seungri bit his tongue to keep it from biting off Youngbae’s head just for checking on him. 

“I  _ really _ am ok, Youngbae. I really am.”

“No, I know you are. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have even asked. I just worry and we aren’t there and he’s so sensitive and you and him and -” Youngbae sighed. “I don’t even know what I wanted to ask or what I thought was wrong it’s just- I know you care about him and ever since the -”

Seungri didn’t want to hear the word. Refused to hear it. 

“I’m ok,” he repeated. “And Seunghyun -” pain clenched at Seungri’s heart but he ignored it - “Seunghyun is going to be ok, too. He’s taking care of himself. I’m taking care of myself. Please, hyung, stop worrying. I know you care but I’ve moved on, I’m over it.”

“I know you are, I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing, hyung.” 

They were quiet again. Seungri bit at his lower lip. He felt bad, guilty. Youngbae really did care. It was the only reason he’d called, why he was bringing it up. 

_ It _ .

“I miss you, hyung. You and Jiyong-hyung and Dae - and - all of you.” 

“I miss you too Ri-yah. I miss you, too.”

“So, yeah,” Seungri said, brightly, needing to turn the conversation around, “I’m doing great. My album will be dropping in a few months. I’ve got all the restaurants to manage.

“Aside from that, I go out with my friends. I work, I come home. I’m busy and happy, doing what I want to do and - Seunghyun -” his voice only stuttered a little saying the name, “is doing good. You could see him every day on the fansites and twitter, if you had internet.” Seungri gave a little laugh, not realizing that he’d tipped his hand. He hoped Youngbae didn’t catch it. “I love you, and I miss you, but everything is ok.”  _ How many times am I going to say that? _

“Ok, Ri.” Youngbae sounded in no way convinced and Seungri hated it. “I’m glad everything is ok. I - have to go but - Seungri fighting!”

“Thank you, hyung. Fighting!” They hung up and Seungri rolled over to scream into his bed. He clenched his jaw and scrunched up his face, fighting the need to curl in around the ache surrounding his heart. 

He was over it. Had been over it for months. It shouldn’t still be hurting. It shouldn’t.

It.

Breakup.

Heartbreak. 

Seungri rolled out of bed and made his way to the living room, to the alcohol. He didn’t do wine. He never really had but since - since  _ it _ had happened he stuck mostly to liquor when he was home, alone, when his heart threatened to shatter and leave him empty. 

There were too many memories with wine, too many echos of  _ his _ deep voice speaking to him, explaining, teaching, coaxing, growling, moaning -

Seungri shook his head and poured a glass. Neat. 

It had started with drinks, he remembered after his third glass. Drinks in a hotel bar. Typical. 

Seunghyun had been sipping wine, drunk and entirely sober in that way only he could manage. Younbae had sent Seungri to check on him, cajole him up to his hotel room where he could shower and sleep it all off. 

_ It _ , again - but a different it - a different breakup. 

Seunghyun shouldn’t have survived it. Seungri was still amazed he had. They’d all thought Jiyong would save Seunghyun, heal him after the breakup with Shin Minah, the hospitalization, the blow up with his father - Jiyong had seemed like the answer to all their worries, the key to healing Seunghyun’s heart and then, spectacularly, it had all ended, fast enough to give them whiplash. 

Seunghyun had never shut down quite like that in the past, or since. Something in him had shifted, then. 

Seungri had heard rumors about Seunghyun and John. He was pretty sure they were rumors. It hadn’t mattered, at the time. What mattered was that Seunghyun was drowning himself with wine in a ritzy hotel bar and he’d already run off Youngbae and Daesung and Jiyong was gasoline on the fire consuming Seunghyun. So Seungri had gone down. 

Seungri settled into the open sofa across from Seunghyun’s armchair. “I’m supposed to convince you to go up to your room and sleep this off.” He waved at the half-full wine glass between them on a coffee table. 

“Are you, now?” Seunghyun’s voice slurred but the eyes that looked at him were achingly, painfully clear. They clawed at him with their raw pain. Looking away, Seungri swung an arm and swooped Seunghyun’s glass away, draining it in a couple gulps. 

Bemused, Seunghyun watched him. 

Seungri smacked his lips, throat burning but he refused to show it. Cocking his head, he looked at Seunghyun over the brim of the empty glass. “How do you drink this?” he teased, giving Seunghyun his most wicked, most flirty grin. “It’s disgusting.” His voice was too-cheerful, sickly sweet. 

“How do you drink the drivel you toss back like water in those fancy nightclubs of yours?” Seunghyun moved forward slowly, hand joining Seungri’s on the glass, fingers warm, burning. A new light was in his eyes, flipping Seungri’s stomach. Seunghyun was incredibly drunk, he was never like this in public, he never even  _ got _ like this in public that Seungri had ever seen. 

“Come with me, and I’ll show you,” Seungri said. He had to get Seunghyun out of here. 

Seunghyun stood, swaying on his feet so bad he almost fell right over the coffee table. Seungri jerked up, hand reaching out to grip Seunghyun’s side, steadying him. 

“Let’s go,” Seunghyun said, charging forward, pulling Seungri with him.

“Wait, what?”

“Come on, let's go to whatever hot club is out there and show me how you party, Seungri.”

“Hyung, you’ve partied with me before.” Seungri felt a wave of panic. This is what he’d get for bluffing. “We have gone to so many clubs.”

“Yeah but you don’t party with us like you do when you’re out with your  _ p-pp-f-riends _ ,” he blew a raspberry around the word friends. 

“I, uhh-”

“Oh, I’ve heard stories, gossip.” Seunghyun dragged him through the lobby, hands going from Seungri’s wrist, to his arm, linking them together. “I’ve heard about the trouble the maknae gets in to.” Seunghyun was growling in Seungri’s ear and he felt hot all over. “Little boy maknae,” Seunghyun whispered as he propelled them thru the large rotating door of the hotel out to the street. 

Seunghyun was leaning heavy on Seungri, his hand was on Seungri’s back, then up to his nape, to tangle in his hair. Seunghyun could get handsy when drunk but - 

There was no Jiyong here, no cuddly touch-friendly Daesung, no girls or girlfriends or  _ other  _ friends, there was nothing between him and Seunghyun but the chill of Tokyo’s night air and too-thin silk. He hadn’t bothered with a jacket and the madman dragging him down the street hadn’t realized it was January. 

“Get in,” Seunghyun said, opening the door of a taxi. “Come on, show me how the cool kids drink.”

Gulping, Seungri sat in the cab, and watched as Seunghyun collapsed next to him, half on top of him. “Tell the nice man where we’re going,” Seunghyun said. 

“Uh -” Seungri’s mind went blank. “Uh -” 

“I want a boy tonight, small and tight,” Seunghyun whispered in Seungri’s ear. “I want to feel -” Seunghyun’s eyes focused and the pain that had disappeared in the lobby, displaced by determination, returned just for a moment. Seunghyun lurched back and leaned against the closed car door. 

“Where are we going?” Seunghyun’s voice was colorless. 

Seungri fumbled out the name of a club. A gay club. Seunghyun had said he wanted a boy. They’d picked up hookups before, as a group, usually. Models or other celebrities, or pretty people in night-clubs. Well, he, Seunghyun and Jiyong did. Daesung only occasionally and only women. Youngbae - he’d get over his shyness eventually, Jiyong kept promising. They’d done this before, though it had been a couple years, but it had never been just him and Seunghyun and Seunghyun had usually started those nights sober. 

The club had been a blur, drink after drink, throbbing, pulsing song after song and faceless bodies in a shifting, undulating array around them. 

Laying on the couch in his darkened living room, halfway through his bottle and swimming through his memories, Seungri could barely remember how the rest of the night went. The parts at the club at least. He gulped down another burning mouthful and rubbed at the stinging in his eyes. 

Seunghyun had gotten his boy that night. 

Somehow they’d only danced with one another, bodies pressed against one another. Drink followed after drink, touch after touch and - he wasn’t sure who’d kissed who first but tongues had slid past one another, chests had pressed against one another, heaving in time to beat surrounding them, eyes closed to the flashing lights. 

And somehow, Seungri had gotten Seunghyun into a hotel room - eventually. 

The glass slipped from Seungri’s hand to the floor, tinkling as it shattered. He didn’t care. The now empty hand stroked over his own stomach, down to thigh and over to where he bulged, hard, straining out of his soft pajama pants, aroused by the memory of the heat of that night. He was already leaking as he remembered, felt the ghosting feel of Seunghyun’s lips searing his, that first night. 

Seungri was drunk and hard and too gone to care that reliving this memory was the worst thing he could do. Slipping his pants down his hips just enough to fully expose his dick, he gripped himself and plunged back into his memory, his dream.

They had fallen onto a bed, in one of their rooms. They had been laughing, giggling, high on each other, on the taboo of what they were doing. Subsequent knowledge filled in the memory of Seunghyun’s dick, slender and full. Seungri wasn’t sure he’d thought to really look at it, that night. Kissing had been too important. Kissing and touching and gasping each other’s names, reveling in the wrongness of it all.

Seunghyun had straddled him, licking and sucking marks up his bare chest, slicked with sweat from a night of dancing and lust. His lips had set a fire raging under Seungri’s skin. 

“Hyung,” he’d whispered. Seungri remembered how it had felt, saying  _ hyung  _ and meaning Seunghyun; a prayer for release, to ease the need driving him. The memory was potent, he could hear Seunghyun’s rough growls, his grunts of arousal as they’d frotted together.

Skin slid against skin. He wrapped his legs around Seunghyun’s hips pinning them together, twin erections sliding against each other, pressed between their stomachs. Seunghyun’s arms buldged on either side of Seungri’s head, muscles large due to movie prep. Propped up, Seunghyun could look in his eyes, make real the insanity of what they’d done. There would be no chance for amnesia in the morning. 

Seungri had come first that night, over sensitive and young, overawed by his hyung’s beauty in bed. Seunghyun had chuckled and smeared his thick cock in the come pooling on Seungri’s stomach. He’d gripped himself and laughed at Seungri, affectionate and teasing and, oh, so perfect. 

Seungri watched him again in memory, his hand flying over his cock. As he came he remembered  _ that  _ sound, the hitch to Seunghyun’s breath, that first time he’d heard it, the stutter that preceeded the come shooting from his cock, joining Seungri’s. 

On his couch, Seungri groaned. That had been a bad idea. It had been so long since he’d thought of that night, of all the nights since.  _ Damn Youngbae _ , it was his fault Seungri was even remembering. 

Ignoring the ache in his chest, he pulled his pants up over the mess of his dick and stomach and rolled off the couch. Stumbling, he shuffled back to his bedroom and threw himself on his bed, letting the world spin around him. 

 

The next morning dawned bright, sending needles into his brain. Seungri groaned and flopped over, dragging the blankets over his head. “Five more minutes,” he pleaded to no one at all.

Eventually his phone dragged him out of bed, the alarm demanding that he make it to his Aori Ramen meeting on time, then politely informing him he had a meeting with marketing on his album and an afternoon with his trainer. 

“Oh, gods, why did I drink so much-”

Dressed, and pressed, he evaluated himself in the mirror. No, he didn’t look quite right. With a sigh he returned to the closet room. He’d never have Jiyong’s innate knack for this. Outfit #2 seemed better, still not perfect but it was the best he could do, he decided, futzing with his hair before giving up and heading out. 

It wasn’t a conscious decision that led him to the coffee shop, but he  _ did _ need a large cup to face the day (anything to fight off the raging headache). So he stood in line, made his order, then waited, all the while gazing at the large building - a museum - across the street from the shop. 

The front door of the museum opened and Seungri held his breath. Seunghyun wheeled a cart out, fighting with it a bit to get it thru the door. Seungri watched as Seunghyun stacked the trash bags from the cart onto their spot on the sidewalk. He looked good, filled out. He was eating. His face was covered and he kept his face down, understandable. Seunghyun was usually skittish in public. But he was too far away, Seungri couldn’t see his eyes. 

“Lee Seungri-Sshi!” 

Jerking, Seungri turned to the aggrieved barista behind the counter. He’d obviously been calling Seungri’s name several times. Seungri bowed. “I’m sorry, distracted,” he managed and added another bow, deeper this time, for good measure. The barista stopped just short of rolling his eyes and waved Seungri off. 

Seungri gave a tentative sip of his coffee as he turned and grimaced as he stumbled. He hadn’t been paying attention and had bumped into someone and managed to scalded himself in the process. That’s what he got. 

“Oh, I’m sorry,” a woman said and he looked up at her. Her face was vaguely familiar. 

“Fancy meeting you here,” she laughed, a charmingly soft sound. Her voice brought the memory back, it was low and husky. He’d thought it had been just the shouting to be heard in the club but, no, it had been several days since he’d spent a night dancing with her, long enough for her throat to heal. It must just be her natural voice. 

“Hi, yeah - uh,” he racked his brain, “Han Mikyung Sshi.” He braced himself for being wrong but was rewarded with another laugh and a smile. 

“You remembered!”

He smiled and nodded back. It  _ had _ been a good night. “So what brings you here?”

“Oh, I work in that office block back there.” She gestured to the building caddy corner from the one in which they stood. “Look, I know who you are and what I’m getting in to.” She eyed him levelly and he felt his face flush. Opening the small purse slung across her chest, she pulled out a small card. “Call me sometime.”

Absently, Seungri took the card. Seunghyun had come out of the museum again. “Uh, yeah, sure.”

Mikyung gave a small grunt and he blinked at her, her face frowning at him. “I didn’t mean to be rude, I’m sorry. That was too forward.”

“No, sorry,” he rushed to apologize, “I just gotta go.” He had to get out of the cafe before he really embarrassed himself. 

He cursed himself when he got into the car. He had told himself after the last time that it would be the  _ Last Time _ . There was no point in going to see Seunghyun at work. What was he going to do, really? Confess again? He needed to stop doing it.

“What do you care, you’re over it,” he said to himself. If only speaking made it so. 

Furious with himself, he sped off, safe driving be damned. “That really was the last time.” He meant it this time, but, he’d meant it every other time, too. 

The problem was there used to be others. Three others. The rest of the group had buffered the fallout, the spectacular fallout of  _ that day _ . They’d comforted and cajoled and helped him throw himself into his work. 

Now, they were gone and it was just Seungri, left alone with his cursed mind that drove him around to stalk Seunghyun at his museum job. Pathetic.

Work was the answer. So Seungri worked. Opening a new store, promoting his label’s artists, working on the album. It was strange, every time before he’d been left largely to his own devices when it came to his albums but after the first playthrough this time, the CEO had taken an intense interest. 

Seungri had an idea. Calling the CEO’s assistant, he politely requested a bit of time for the afternoon. CEO Yang had been hanging around a lot, stopping by during recording sessions, making a point to ask about the album progress. He wasn’t quite sure what to do with the attention but maybe he could put it to use - 

 

“The CEO will see you now,”  the assistant said, waving him in to the CEO’s suite. 

“Seungri-ya!” CEO Yang said, spreading his arms wide to embrace Seungri as he entered then waving him to sit on the large sectional. “How are you?”

Seungri gave a little bow as he sat and assured the CEO that he was doing well. “The album is coming along-”

“I must say, you’ve come so far, Seungri,” Yang cut him off, face beaming with praise. 

Seungri squirmed a bit but smiled. “Yes, sir, you’ve taught me very well, thank you.” 

“What can I do for you then? Has your team set a release date?”

“Yes, sir, next month. But I was wondering-” he paused and licked his lips then decided to go for it. “I think it would be great if we did a full promotion cycle. I know we are planning the concerts but I think it would be good for the group if I made a lot of Variety appearances.”

“Oh, yeah?” The CEO was notorious for being averse to sending his idols out on variety appearances.

“I do pretty good in Japan and it would be good - I think - to keep Big Bang in people’s minds. So it isn’t just for me but for the group. We could use the good press on top of just promoting the album. And I’m not the most popular but I’m not disliked so.”

Yang sat back in his seat and regarded Seungri who hid all his trepidation behind a confident smile. 

“You make a good point.” Yang sat forward again. “Did you have some shows in mind?”

“I was thinking ‘I live alone’ they could follow me around for the day, also Running man and maybe even Take Care of My Refrigerator on top of the regular music show appearances.”

“You really  _ have  _ come far, but could you handle the workload?”

The workload was what Seungri was craving. He brightened his smile and laughed. “I can handle anything, CEO-nim.”

“Well, I think you may be right.” He nodded. “Ok, get with your manager and start putting a schedule together.” 

Seungri bowed and thanked him effusively. Yang was nothing if not a sucker for fawning gratitude. 

 

So work it was. Seungri ran himself ragged, managing business after business, recording until late at night, going to clubs when he could - strictly business - and home only long enough to sleep before doing it all again. 

Then it was album release and promotion and - days blurred into one another, governed by the ever-present schedules. He was used to that. He was used to the days running on caffeine and exhaustion, he just didn’t remember it being quite so exhausting. 

“You’re getting old,” Jiyong said from his hospital bed where he was recovering from leg surgery.

Seungri gaped mid complaints. “I  _ am not _ !” 

Jiyong laughed. “It’s just what happens. Talk to the Sechskies hyungs some time. The body just has a harder time dealing.” Jiyong glared at the leg currently propped up on pillows. 

“Does it hurt very much?”

Jiyong shrugged. “It’s hurt for so long it’s hard to tell what is too much anymore. They say this will stop it, though, so-” he shrugged again and settled back into his cushions. “To be honest I’m surprised you even managed to stop by.”

“I made my manager find out your visiting hours and schedule it as a meeting with TV producers so no one would try to move it.”

“Clever, Ri,” Jiyong said. “Were you always this clever?”

“Whatever.”

“No, I’m serious.” Jiyong regarded him a moment after seeing him anew. “You just seem - maybe it’s because we’ve all gone and it’s just you flying solo - but -” Seungri shrugged his shoulders and gave Jiyong a grimace. “Oh whatever, you’re just my little maknae all grown up. I like it, it suits you.”

Seungri rolled his eyes. 

“So how is he?” Jiyong asked, looking at Seungri with narrow eyes.

“Still just working at the museum,” Seungri answered without thought then realize what trap Jiyong had just sprung. “Hyung-” he accused.

“Seungri, I know you always say you’re over it, but-”

“Because I am!” Frustrated, he stood. First Youngbae and now Jiyong. “When will you guys stop babying me? I am not a lovesick little girl you need to swaddle and pacify! It was almost a year and a half ago. It is done. We are fine! We even chat, just fine and normal. I’m ok and it’s over.”

Jiyong looked at him, pitying and Seungri wanted to punch him in his compassionate face. 

“Seungri I heard the album.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Seungri.”

“Jiyong, drop it. He ended it, I made a god-damned fool of myself and it’s over. We’ve moved on. He found someone else, several someone elses -” Seungri’s lips curled in disgust and judgement - “and I’m too busy and have too much work and what is even the point of this conversation?”

“Ok, ok I’m sorry.”

“Please, can you all just leave it? Please. We’ve moved on. It’s ok.” Seungri felt tears stinging his eyes and hated them, hated that they chose to streak down his face, hated the emotions tearing through him, ripping him like it was the-day-after all over again. God, would these feelings never end? 

“Every time you all bring it up you bring me right back to when it happened,” Seungri whispered. “Every time it starts all over and it isn’t fair. I really  _ am _ ok, if you all would just  _ leave _ it.”

“I’m sorry, Seungri, really I am.” To his credit, Jiyong did look sorry, deeply so. “I won’t bring it up again.”

“You can use that 5 won mouth of yours and spread the word then?” It was a cheap blow. For all his gossip, he’d kept many secrets when it really mattered. He hadn’t told a soul about him and Seunghyun when they’d first started hooking up, after all. But Seungri’s pride demanded payback.

Jiyong smirked, self-deprecating. “Alright, Seungri-yah.”

Jiyong turned the conversation to promotions, heaping praise on the album. “It’s just so fun, Seungri, and your voice sounds so pure.”

Seungri accepted the praise. Surely Seunghyun would think so, too, he usually agreed with Jiyong’s musical assessments- Seungri gave himself a mental kick. 

“I should probably get going, Hyung,” he said, looking at his phone clock as he stood. 

“Oh, yeah.” Jiyong sat up just as the door to his room opened. 

“Oh,” Seunghyun said, poking his head in, “I didn’t realize you had company. Hey, Ri.” He gave Seungri a little bow. “I can come back-”

“No,” Seungri said, giving Seunghyun a reassuring smile and a shallow bow. “I’m just leaving, I have to get ready for another schedule.”

“Oh, ok, then.” Seunghyun stepped fully into the room and closed the door. “How you, Ri?”

“I’m good, so busy.” Seungri affected a long-suffering sigh. “Just barely managed to squeeze out a few minutes to come see Jiyong-hyung.”

“I’m sure,” Seunghyun’s smile was small but earnest. “I really like the album, you did a good job.”

Seungri’s heart soared. “Oh, thanks, hyung. That means a lot, from you.” A dozen conversations flashed in his mind, memories of nights spent cuddling talking music, dreams, hopes, envisioning a musical future together. “I’m glad you liked it,” he managed. 

He turned and gave Jiyong a hug before shaking Seunghyun’s hand. 

“Hey, come by the museum sometime,” Seunghyun said. “I mostly work in the cafe and the classrooms, but I can try to make you a coffee.” 

“Yeah, maybe I’ll do that,” Seungri lied. “See you, hyung,” he said to Jiyong. 

The pair’s goodbyes were swallowed by the hospital door. 

Seungri took three steps down the hallway before stopping to take a deep, steadying breath.  _ See, we’re good. Over it,  _ he thought towards Jiyong.

 

That night was hard. He was deeply tired but he’d pushed too hard, past the point of exhaustion so sleep was a mirage, taunting him from just beyond the edge of his pillow. Taking said pillow, he dragged his blanket behind him and moved to set up camp on the living room couch. Late night television might lull him to sleep.

He sat, bathed in the light glow of the television: variety show re-runs. He kept the volume so low as to be barely audible. Really, he should sleep, he had a massive day coming up but insomnia gave no fucks. 

The five minutes with Seunghyun in the hospital room replayed in his mind. Seunghyun had looked good. His eyes had looked calm, happy almost. It was a rare enough sight that Seungri treasured it. The familiar warmth that he associated with a happy Seunghyun spread through his body, lightening his limbs. 

“Dammit,” he cursed himself. This was why he never moved on. He always remembered the good times, the happiness, the times they played together, slept together, just existed around each other. 

He forced himself to remember the other things. The other times.  _ That one time _ .

“We should talk,” Seunghyun had started and Seungri had been so oblivious. 

“Bout what,” he’d asked around a mouthful of kimbap. Kimbap still never set well in his stomach anymore. 

“We’ve been doing this for a while now,” Seunghyun went on. The words, every moment of that conversation had etched itself into Seungri’s mind. His face had been so serious. “A few years and it has been really great, you’re great.”

“Course I am,” he laughed, then realized Seunghyun wasn’t smiling. Seungri had realized then, what was happening. “What, are you ending things?”

“I mean,” Seunghyun said, “they can’t go on forever. I’ll be enlisting soon.”

“So- we’ve been apart before.” Seungri put his food down and pushed it away. Appetite gone. 

“Yeah but there will be no contact. On top of, you’re the youngest, you’ll be going in when I’m almost out, we’ll be apart the longest but after that - what?”

“What do you mean what? We just go back.”

“We’ll be in our thirties, Seungri,” Seunghyun said like that meant something. “Time to start growing up and settling down.”

Seungri had been confused at that. “Settling down?”

“Yeah.”

“I - I’d never thought that.” Seungri really never had. He wasn’t really sure what settling down had to do with them not being together any more. “I -”

There were a million things he could have said, he had thought of them all in the years since, until he realized none of them would have changed a thing. 

“I guess you are right,” he’d said then, more reflex than anything, dongseng to hyung. And to Seunghyun, that had been it. 

It still felt empty, all this time later. Almost four years together, but  there was no real demarcation beginning what eventually had ended. He could count the time they first hooked up but there had been other relationships, other hookups, it had all started so casually. There had never been a 100 days celebration, or 1000 days even, though whatever was between them had lasted at least that long. There’d been no Christmas gifts or celebrations. It had always just been them slowly orbiting one another, for years. 

And then had come  _ the day _ . 

Seungri’s stomach still roiled with the embarrassment and shame as he wrestled with the memory. Laying on his couch, he curled around himself but forced himself to relive that day. Maybe the pain, the shame, the sheer foolishness would break whatever it was inside him that longed for Seunghyun, still.

It had taken almost a month, a long empty month after the breakup conversation, before Seungri had come up with the plan. Like so much between them, he hadn’t really known until too late what it was he’d felt, what it was their relationship had meant to him. Surely it was the same for Seunghyun. Surely Seunghyun had missed him as much as Seungri did. 

It had been a reasonable assumption, he told himself later.

That month had been misery but one Seungri suffered alone. Over the years they had had multiple times of separation. Schedules, obligations, celebrity. It happened. In those times, though, Seungri had unwittingly clung to the knowledge that the separation would end and they’d fall back together, their subtle orbit around one another would resume, resettling their worlds into what had become normal. 

It had been comfortable and quiet. That was another problem, another reasonable assumption. 

Seungri had been so full of them. He cursed his naivete. Out of that host of reasonable assumptions had come his stroke of genius. 

The rest of the group hadn’t known when Seungri roped them in to his grand plan. Seunghyun hadn’t told them about the break-up. Fitting, as they’d never been told about the relationship to begin with. It had just become a thing, unacknowledged, accepted, just part of who they were. 

His  hyungs must have assumed it a proposal. Not that Seungri and Seunghyun could marry but there were a few secret, in name only, marriages out there between celebrities. People did what they could when the law refused to acknowledge them. 

So Seungri had had help, setting up the romantic suite, ordering food for Seunghyun’s refined palate. Seungri had spent an afternoon agonizing over a wine selection while Daesung and Youngbae scattered a thousand rose petals around the hotel bed. It had all been so bloody perfect.

Seungri shooed his helpers out, pointedly ignoring their playful winks with mock stoicism. It was the perfect solution. Seunghyun had only ended things because he thought, obviously, that they didn’t love each other enough. It was true they never had really said the words. Seungri had always just figured they didn’t need to but he recognized his mistake.

One last assumption: if Seunghyun knew how deeply he was loved, how deeply Seungri cared, surely he would retract the breakup he’d inflicted upon them. He was likely pining as well. The two of them had always been a bit in sync. 

He texted Seunghyun, asking for just a friendly drink. It had taken a bit of coaxing but Seungri had managed to get him to agree, as friends, for old times sake. They were back in Japan after all, the city, the hotel (if not the exact room) where it had all started. 

It had been sunset, the pinks and oranges bathing the high-rise room in a soft, iridescent glow. It had been beautiful, Seungri standing in a forest of roses and candles, soft music playing, steam rising from the meal adorning the table around a stand of candles, wine decanting, waiting for them to resolve this confusion. 

The knock at the door had sent Seungri’s heart fluttering, carrying him to open it, take Seunghyun’s hand and pull him in. 

“Seungri, what is this?” Seunghyun looked confused, angry. Seungri ignored it and took Seunghyun’s hand, pulling him into the room. Seunghyun was beautiful, stealing Seungri’s breath. The gold sunlight had caressed the planes of his face, his eyes dark, brows furrowed. 

Seungri knelt in a mess of petals, looking up at Seunghyun, but love wasn’t the emotion that colored his face. 

He yanked his hand out of Seungri’s and hissed, “what is this?”

“Hyung, Seunghyun-hyung,” Seungri said. “Seunghyun, I love you. I’m in love with you. I know you think we can’t be together but-”

“Get up, Seungri.” Seunghyun yanked him up by the shoulders. “What are you doing?!”

“Hyung,” Seungri gaped, confused, “I’m -” he looked around the room, helpless, “I’m confessing.”

“Seungri, please, don’t.”

“Seunghyun-ah, I love you,” he tried again. “I don’t want us to be apart.”

“I do!”

Seungri backed up, legs running into the balloon covered sofa, and collapsed. This had not been a possibility. He started shaking, uncontrollably. “What-”

Seunghyun’s compassion emerged then, as he moved to kneel in front of Seungri, taking his shoulders in hand. “I don’t mean it like that - fuck. Seungri, I care about you. I do. A lot. But it’s time to end it. It was probably time a long time ago but we were having too much fun.” A finger hooked under Seungri’s chin, pulling his face up so that eyes could meet. “ _ I _ was having too much fun. But that’s what it was. Fun. It’s time, now.”

There had been tears then, called forth by the finality in Seunghyun’s voice. 

“I thought -” Seungri gasped around a painful breath, “I thought if I told you - all the things I should have told you, all of them -” he looked away unable to bear the look in Seunghyun’s eyes. “I thought you’d take me back -”

“Ri, there’s nothing to take back because there was nothing to begin with. It was just -” Seunghyun sighed and joined him on the couch, sending balloons fluttering to the floor. “I don’t know what it was, Ri. Maybe we should have talked about that, this, us. I’m sorry, Ri.”

“Why?” 

“Because - because it’s just how it is, Seungri.” Seunghyun dragged hands over his face and stared out of the large windows at the city drifting to twilight. “Because whatever this is isn’t enough for anything more.”

“Who says?”

“It just is, Seungri.” 

“That’s bullshit,” Seungri snapped, anger flaring. 

“Are you dating anyone?” Seunghyun asked and Seungri’s mind spun, whiplashed with the subject change. 

“No,” he said, brow furrowed.

“Why?” Seunghyun’s eyes bored into him, asking more than the simple question. “Why, Seungri?”

“Because-” Seungri gaped. “Because, well, it’s just -”

“Because this is easier,” Seunghyun answered for him. “Because dating is hard and this is comfortable, easy.”

“And that’s bad?” Seungri snapped. “Why would I be with anyone else? What we have is good and, yes, easy. And maybe that means something!”

“It means we’re stuck, Seungri, and that was fine, but it doesn’t last. Sure, there’s the group, and we’re busy. It made sense. We had needs, and with the scandals and everything - but now what? What are we supposed to do? Go to the military, come back and keep doing whatever we were doing?”

“Why not?!” He started yelling, then. 

“Because that's not a life! That’s not the life you should have!” Seunghyun yelled back. “Wife, kids, family,  _ that’s _ the life you should have and you can’t have it with your dick in my ass!”

“Who made you the god of my life?! What right do you have to decide?” They  _ had _ something. Seungri knew it, deep down. Something more than just a comfortable fling. He just couldn’t figure out how to show that to Seunghyun.

“What, so you’re gonna tell your mom she isn’t getting grandkids? You’re going to tell her you are never getting married?” Seunghyun’s eyes bored into him. “Taeyang is starting to talk marriage. I’m enlisting at the end of this year, or first thing next. We’re gonna be over 30 by the time we’re all back. If it hasn’t started now, the nagging will start eventually. And then what, Seungri? What then?

At some point it has to end. That’s how it is!”

“Plenty of gay men don’t marry!”

“You’re not gay,” Seunghyun pointed out. “And neither am I. And after a while, it won’t just be the moms. The rumors will start, breaking the hearts of both our families. And then you’ll want kids someday and, and, and - ” He took a long sigh. “Don’t you see that now is the best time to end it, to make a clean break. We’re going to be apart anyways.”

A million things raced through Seungri’s mind and he could say none of them.  “I don’t even know if I want kids,” he mumbled as he sank back into his seat, suddenly tired, defeated. 

“This is beautiful, Seungri,” Seunghyun whispered, looking around the room “and - I think I do love you in a way. Not in love but, I  _ do _ care. That’s why I’m doing this. Because  what happens tomorrow? A year from now? Ten years? We’re getting too old to not think about that. Me maybe more than you but -”

“I don’t even know what I want and you’re deciding everything already.” His head weighed a dozen tons and he dropped it to his hands. 

“That’s  _ why _ I have to decide. Seungri, this is what we have to do. I’m sorry.”

And with that, Seunghyun had stood and walked out. 

Alone, in his living room, curled in on himself, Seungri found that he had no tears to cry. In the two years since then he’d apparently cried all that he was able. The pain was still just shy of unbearable. 

_ Remember, _ Seungri told himself,  _ remember how he walked away. Remember that he doesn’t want you, doesn’t need you and is doing just fine without you.  _ Seungri could show him, show everyone, Youngabe, Jiyong, everyone. He could do just fine, too. Two years was long enough to spend pining. 

He fell asleep on the couch and woke the next morning with a crick in his neck. Sometime around lunch time he sank back into his chair as the music program compiled, and stretched. “Ow,” he yelped and reached into his pocket. The corner of a business card had stabbed at him. Smoothing its edge, he looked at it. 

“Han Mikyung,” he read. His heart gave a small thud and he thought, briefly, of Seunghyun. On impulse, he grabbed his phone and dialed the number. 


	2. Chapter 2

The early fall wind sent a chill down Seunghyun’s spine. He tightened his coat and quickened his step. Adjusting the set of the facemask hooked on his ears, he looked around. He’d been so lost in thought he’d almost missed his turn.

It was only a few blocks to Melt, the small cafe around the corner from his house. He gave a wave and pat to the small poodle that sat tied outside. “Hi, Cucumber,” he cooed. Recognizing him, she gave a playful yelp and nipped at his hand, nudging and begging for scratches. “Spoiled dog,” he teased and she licked his hand in return.

“You know you might as well adopt her,” Jiyong’s voice came from over his shoulder and Seunghyun stood, looking down at Cucumber. She gave Jiyong a disinterested look then huffed, returning her attention to Seunghyun. “You’re the only person she seems to like.”

“She likes her owners.” Seunghyun gave her a parting pat then opened the door to the cafe.

“She _tolerates_ her owners.” Jiyong swept past him into the shop. “I’ve never seen her take to anyone like you, seriously, I question her taste.”

“Oh, whatever.” Seunghyun took his turn to sweep past Jiyong, heading for the mezzanine and their favorite table. The shop was decorated in rich browns and greens, rustic and over-stuffed in a comfortably shabby way. _Chic_ would be the word Jiyong would use for it. Seunghyun delighted in the eclectic assortment of furniture, no piece matched any other.

The walls were decorated in shelves and shelves of books, albums, dvds. Somewhere in the back was a record player filling the space with the latest Clazziquai album.

The barista nodded as he passed, promising to send up their usual.

Seunghyun settled in to their spot, a cozy nook of chairs around a coffee table, surrounded on two sides by full height shelves displaying vintage hip-hop vinyls. The third side was a full height window overlooking the quiet neighborhood street, a quirk of civic design revealing highways full of cars in the background. Seunghun liked that, too, the juxtaposition of small and quiet with busy and full.

Claiming his vintage velour armchair, he pulled the notebook out of his messenger bag and began flipping through the pages. Jiyong joined him, closing the heavy damask curtain that hid their nook away from prying eyes.

There was a clatter as Jiyong settled in, a stack of books left precariously on the coffee table toppling over as Jiyong sat. Seunghyun moved to pick them up, resettling them in a stack on the floor.

“The Great Gastby,” he murmured, reading the title of the first book. His heart gave a soft pang, a memory surfacing for a moment before he could smother it.

“Wha?” Jiyong said, struggling to get his own notebook from his backpack. Seunghyun waved him off and went back to his own notebook.

It used to be they wrote ensconced in the ivory tower that was the YG building. That, or Jiyong’s living room. But Seunghyun had stumbled on this place shortly after his military discharge and found it particularly inspiring. Jiyong never really cared where they wrote and after as the coffee was suitable, he declared it as good a place as any to work on their unit album.

“Alright, what do you have today?” Jiyong asked, hooking a long strand of green hair over his ear. He’d wasted no time on that front. They paused to accept their drinks then began trading lyrics in earnest.

It was a magic Seunghyun had worried he’d never feel again, collaborating with Jiyong. A magic due in no small part to Seungri. Seunghyun’s heart gave another small squeeze. Seungri who’d healed his heart, who’d drawn him back from the brink of depression after his breakup with Jiyong. Seungri who forced them to start talking again, his brash stubbornness and hopeful charm forcing them back into friendship.

The hours slipped away and the light outside their window shifted from steel grey to the deep blue of twilight. In the distance the lights of the cars on the expressway began to dance.

“So are you coming?” Jiyong asked, voice irritated.

“Sorry, what,” Seunghyun said, blinking. He hadn’t realized he’d been staring at nothing.

“We’re going to see Seungri tomorrow.” Jiyong looked at him, peeved. “I said that like three times.”

“Sorry,” Seunghyun said. He turned to begin stacking their discarded coffee cups. “Uh, I can’t.”

Jiyong _looked_ at him, judgement filling the air.

“What?!” Seunghyun asked. “I really can’t. Promised to go out with my mom.”

“You haven’t gone with us to see Seungri the last three times we’ve gone.”

“I’ve been legitimately busy!”

“Sure, whatever.”

“What, Jiyong?”

“Nothing.”

“Obviously you want to say something.” Seunghyun had been ignoring Jiyong’s subtle jabs on the subject of Seungri for weeks and he’d about had it. “Say what you have to say.”

“I just think you should go see him, okay?”

“I’ve gone to see him.”

“I think you should go see him and tell him you were wrong and you miss him and that you’re waiting for him.”

“I think you should mind your business.”

“You asked,” Jiyong said with a shrug. “You’re never going to tell him, are you?”

“Tell him what?”

“That you’re a fucking idiot and that you’re head over heels in love with him and want to take it all back and want to live for ever and ever happily ever after with him.”

Seunghyun sighed. “Fuck off, Jiyong.”

“I’m done,” Jiyong said. “Fucking off now.” He scooped up his notebook and balls of rejected lyrics and stuffed them in his bag.

Seunghyun sat and scowled at the darkness outside.

“We’re going at 11, meeting at ‘Bae’s if you change your mind.” Jiyong left, closing the curtain behind him.

Seunghyun’s eyes returned to the book at his feet. _The Great Gatsby._

“Play it again, hyung,” Seungri’s voice echoed in his memory.

“We just finished watching it!” Seunghyun had laughed. They’d been holed up in a Chinese hotel-room, in that space between performance days, when he and Seungri had loved to lay about watching movies and fucking, and eating and fucking some more. Recovery Time was what they’d named it.

“Hyung,” Seungri had pouted in that way he knew Seunghyun found irresistible. “Hyung-” he scooched close to Seunghyun, bathrobe falling open to reveal his shoulder. “Play it again.”

“I don’t know why you love this movie so much.” Seunghyun hit play on the controller and pulled Seungri in to him, wrapping and arm around him and giving a squeeze.

“Because it is the best. It’s Leo-sunbaenim.”

Seungri never did get sick of watching The Great Gatsby. He’d even made Seunghyun watch the older version, from the seventies . Truth told, Seunghyun prefered that one but Seungri loved his ‘Leo-sunbaenim’ so much that he never mentioned it. Spoiling Seungri was his favorite past time.

They’d laid in bed that whole day, actually getting through half of the movie a second time before Seungri had fallen asleep, tucked in to his side. Seunghyun had appreciated the view of his maknae in full-rest, face smooth, jaw slack, long dark lashes begging to be tickled.

Seunghyun had fallen asleep eventually, too, around when the credits rolled, only to awaken hours later with Seungri’s mouth closed over his cock.

Seungri had been the best head he’d ever had, before or since. No one could ever beat him in pure enthusiasm.

Groaning, Seunghyun came to and grimaced. Memories of Seungri, of their life before, seemed to always be there, just under the surface, but he usually was pretty good at holding them at bay. Mind finally registering what his ears had been hearing, he cursed Jiyong.

> “Can I really recover from this poisonous disease
> 
> You love me then you love me not.”

Seunghyun had managed to listen to _The Great Seungri_ only once, shortly after it had come out. It had been too painful. Every song seemed to be a message to him, even the club songs. Seungri always pushed away the darkness with the flashing strobes of rhythm and bass.

And Jiyong had not been content to harass him about how often he’d gone to visit Seungri, he’d had the barista actually play through the whole album. A part of Seunghyun acknowledged that he deserved Jiyong’s jabs. That part grabbed the book as he stood and gathered his things.

“Hey,” he said, approaching the bar before he left. “The books, they’re for sale, right?”

“Yeah,” the barista said, smiling, “do you want that one? Ten dollars.”

Seunghyun nodded and began fishing for his wallet. Laying the bills on the counter he paused, noticing the small rack of bookmarks. The first was a little clip magnet of a panda. Side-eyeing the universe as a whole, he picked it up. “This too.”

 

“You’re going to wear that?” Seunghyun asked and Seungri looked up, trepidation coloring his face.

“I -’ he fiddled with the buttons of the black shirt he’d been straightening - “I’d thought it might be ok?”

“Don’t you think it’s a little … _dark_?” Seunghyun gave a little wave and Seungri looked at himself in the full height mirror of his closet, scrutinizing the black on black. “And the cut of that suit on your body -”

“I was gonna add this tie,” he said, pulling a cobalt blue shock of silk up from its drawer. “I’d thought - slimming - maybe?”

“I’m sorry, you’re right that’s gonna look great,” Seunghyun had said, trying to back-peddle. Or at least that’s what he should have said. That’s what a caring and loving partner would have said. He should have supported Seungri that night. The outfit _had_ looked good. But hindsight was always too little too late.

Instead, in the moment, he’d given a judgemental grunt and Seungri had changed his whole ensemble. He _had_ looked good that night, stylish. Even Jiyong had mentioned it. But - years later - the small scene replayed in Seunghyun’s mind, bringing with it feelings of shame.

Seungri had always been a bit insecure about his fashion sense. He hadn’t noticed it then. He hadn’t noticed it until watching the rerun Seungri’s episode of _I live alone_ (it had taken watching the _re-run_ , he hadn’t even noticed it the first time). The way Seungri fretted over his outfits, the self-deprecating chuckles, the way he talked about his hyungs’ fashion sense, all of it had been so devastatingly apparent at 2 am, two years after it first aired, sitting on his couch accompanied by insomnia and beer.

That closet scene tore at him. On the surface, it was nothing major, just a little of Seungri’s human-ness showing through. But watching it, a dozen, a hundred other encounters had come back to Seunghyun.

“Really with those shoes?” Seunghyun had teased, another night, another big event.

“No,” Seungri had said, defensively. “I was just checking them out.” Seungri had blushed and put them back. Going with something else. Mumbling about calling Jiyong for advice.

Sitting alone in his room after leaving the cafe, _The Great Gatsby_ sitting in the middle of his bed, Seunghyun let the memories roll on. His penance.

He hadn’t meant it at the time. He hadn’t even thought when speaking. What right did Seunghyun have to criticize clothing? He didn’t even care about clothes, really. John Lee’s sartorial tutelage had helped him immensely and he’d just been passing on a little bit of wisdom, he’d thought. Helping Seungri the way he’d been helped.

Seunghyun had never really considered how Seungri idolized him, all of Big Bang, really, but Seunghyun in particular. He’d never thought about how what he said, what he did, actually affected Seungri. Never considered that bright, brash, confident Seungri was actually deeply insecure. Early twenties are for self discovery. Seunghyun knew that, had gone through it himself only a few years before Seungri.

And yet, instead of following John’s example he’d teased Seungri, mocked him, undermined him.

 _I didn’t know any better_. He’d tried to console himself with that when he had first noticed it. His mantra. But not knowing better was no excuse.

“I like this one,” Seungri had said, coming to stand next to Seunghyun in the gallery to look at a painting that was abstractions of red and purple. “I like the colors and - shapes.” Around them, people had swirled, dressed to the nines and drinking expensive wine while browsing the collection on loan from the MET. “They’re funny,” he said into his drink.

Seunghyun had looked at Seungri condescendingly. “Do you understand it?”

“Uh,” Seungri floundered. “Not really.” He flushed, embarrassed. “I just like it.”

Seunghyun had launched into a lecture, regurgitating what he’d learned about the piece only a few semesters before, but speaking with authority. Seungri’s eyes glazed and he looked away.

“Do you want to get out of here?” he asked, turning smoky, heavily lidded eyes on Seunghyun, but Seunghyun would not be dissuaded. For some reason, then, it had been very important that Seungri _get it_.

“Pretentious ass,” Seunghyun sneered at himself, wanting to crawl into his bed, away from the memories. But self-flagellation was the theme for the night.

It was a recurring theme most nights, especially since Seungri discharge date was getting closer. The searing memory of how horrible Seunghyun was when they were together had been easier to ignore while there was no chance of bumping in to Seungri.

He was going to need wine if his brain was going to keep going. Standing, he turned the lights off on the book and made his way to the kitchen where a bottle was already decanting.

Seungri had liked that piece that night, he’d enjoyed it. Replaying the night how it should have gone, Seunghyun envisioned himself asking Seungri why he liked it, what made it compelling. He could have helped Seungri explain his attraction to the piece. He could have just accepted that Seungri had liked it, and stood with him in appreciation. They could have shared the cathartic pleasure of beautiful art.

“And instead you gave him a lecture,” Seunghyun said bitterly as he took the first sip of wine.

Seungri had never really expressed an opinion about art after that, laughing and joking that he didn’t get ‘any of that mumbo jumbo’.”

“Stupid ass.” Seunghyun took another drink.

Wine had been another thing. He remembered that clearly, now, too.

“I like the fruity ones,” Seungri had said, as Seunghyun placed a flight before him, three carefully selected, carefully poured glasses from France.

“Don’t be a sugar fiend,” Seunghyun had teased, “branch out, expand your palate.”

“But, hyung, these taste like bitterness and sad.”

“That’s just because you aren’t used to it. This bottle is $5,000 dollars alone, try it.”

Seungri always begged off after that, claiming he had cheap taste, uncultured as he was.

Seunghyun had been so drunk on himself; he’d discovered fashion, drinking fine wines and fine dining with his actor friends, going to gallery openings and rubbing elbows with artists and professors, the elite.

“So much like your grandfather,” his mother had said back then, so proud at his prestige. And he’d eaten it up. His grandfather, the writer.

The memory of Seungri on the night of the proposal came charging in next. Why on earth Seungri would love him, after years of Seunghyun undermining him, cutting at him, Seunghyun would never understand. He had never deserved anything less.

Somehow, he’d never stopped seeing the 16 year old kid, pestering underfoot, idolizing him. Oh they’d fucked, they’d fucked and played plenty, but part of Seunghyun had never really accepted that Seungri didn’t need to grow up, because he already had.

Seunghyun had just not seen it until too late. Not even the night Seungri had proposed in a sea of balloons, bathed in the dying summer light, had Seunghyun really seen Seungri. No, he’d been blinded by his rightness, his wisdom, his certain knowledge that gay flings could never be more than just that.

  


It was 2 bottles later when the familiar beep of his front door pulled his head off the couch. Daesung’s silhouette filled the opening from the foyer, backlit by the motion-sensor light.

“Daeshungah,” Seunghyun slurred, waving his hand.

“Oh, hyung,” Daesung said, padding across the room. His face swum into view, lit by the light from the kitchen. “Hyung why are so so drunk?”

“Sit, sit Sheungi.” Seunghyun swung an arm wildly and managed to snag a sleeve. He pulled, the soft, stretchy fabric of Daesung’s sweater sliding off his shoulder to expose skin. “Oh, my, yes.”

Daesung rolled his eyes and collapsed on top of Seunghyun, wrapping heavy arms around him and pulling him in tight.

“Yesh, more of that,” Seunghyun crooned. Daesung sighed and rearranged them so he was laying on bottom, Seunghyun half atop him, enfolded in his arms. Soft lips pressed into the crown of Seunghyun’s head, centering him as the room spun.

“Seunghyun-”

“What?” Seunghyun snapped, defensive. He knew what Daesung’s tone meant. “Get me the bottle.” He waved towards the bottle on the coffee table.  

“Hyung, I think you’ve had enough.”

“Fuck off,” Seunghyun whispered but there was no malice in the words.

Soft hands stroked over his back and thru his hair. Gentle humming filled the air, a lullabye. Daesung brushed his fingers over Seunghyun’s cheeks and he realized he was crying, Daesung wiping away his tears.

“Seungri?” Daesung whispered.

“No-” Seunghyun said, defensive- “Jiyong!” Seunghyun could _feel_ the patience in Daesung’s body. They lay in silence a while before Seunghyun could bring himself to mumble, “yes, Seungri.”

“Seunghyun-ah, why do you keep doing this?”

“Because-” a shaky breath shuddered through him - “because I can’t let it go. Because it’s all I can think about.”

“Him?”

“No, me. All the things I did wrong, all the ways I hurt him.”

“All break ups hurt.”

“No, not the break up! Me! Us! I was terrible to him.”

“No you weren’t. We all saw you with him. You loved him and he loved you.”

“Did I?” Seunghyun had never thought what he and Seungri had was love. Not while it was happening. It had been convenience, habit. The natural result of the isolated needing release and companionship they could trust.

“Yes, hyung, you did. Even if you didn’t realize it until too late. And he loved you because you were good to him.”

“I wasn’t though.”

“You were, you doted on him.”

“I treated him like a kid.” Bitterness oozed through his words. Bitterness and self-hate. “I treated him like a kid who couldn’t dress himself, or feed himself. I acted like it was a miracle he could even bathe himself.”

“No-”

“No, there is no ‘no’. It’s the truth. You weren’t there for all of it. You didn’t see the way I talked to him, the way I treated him. I undermined him, his self-confidence, his self-worth _all the time_. I told him what he should wear, what he should do, all the time. Until he just stopped.”

“Stopped what?”

“Stopped everything! Stopped doing whatever it was he wanted, for himself.”

“Ok, maybe you did-”

“I did!”

Daesung’s chest rose sharply then fell slowly, a deep, deep breath against Seunghyun’s head. “I’m not arguing with you,” he whispered.

They lay in silence a bit more.

“ ‘Hyun-ah, why does it matter? Why does it matter now? That was years ago and you’re here beating yourself up. Why?”

“I don’t know Daesung.”

“I think you do.”

Seunghyun glared at him. “I don’t know.”

“It has been so, so long. More than long enough to be over him, over it. Why don’t you try to see someone, find someone. I could think of a couple girls who-”

“We saw how well dating someone worked out for me.”

He’d been convinced, back when he and Seungri first started, that a personal life was impossible, that dating was just something that would be forbidden him. First as a queer man, and then as a celebrity. He’d long since realized that that belief had been what kept him from recognizing what was growing between him and Seungri. Especially after having been burned by the breakup with Jiyong.

Friends with benefits. That was all he was allowed. And who better and more discreet than someone in his own band, someone always near by, someone with an easy excuse for proximity. Someone who had had their own brush with the untrustworthy.

Seungri had been the best solution. And then he’d thrown it away.

“Well - you know - he held onto you for a long time.”

“Daesung I don’t need to know that!”

“You already know it you just don’t want to hear it! But it’s true. He carried his torch with your name on it way after you enlisted and after your scandal and, heck, even after I went in I’m sure. And you two -” he paused then continued, softer, “it was something special between you two.

“He’s getting out soon and maybe -”

“No, Daesung-”

“You keep using that word a lot.”

“Because it’s the right word. There is no second chance with us.”

“So, what, you’re going to die alone?”

“I won’t be alone.” Seungyun tighened the arm he had wrapped around Daesung’s waist. “I have you.”

“Uh-”

“Oh, shut up, you know what I mean.” Daesung was as straight as they came and had been dating Jihyo since before enlistment, all in secret, of course but he couldn’t keep many secrets from Seunghyun. He expected news of a secret wedding every time he saw Daesung now that his service was over. “I have _you_ and Youngbae and Jiyongie and my mom and my sister and-” Daesung sighed again. “Am I crushing your lungs?” Seunghyun asked, purposefully obtuse.

Daesung laughed despite himself. “You are absolutely infuriating.”

“Yes.”

“Ok so,” Daesung said after a while, bringing the conversation back. “No dating other people. No dating Seungri. Why did you two break up in the first place?”

Daesung knew why they’d broken up. Seunghyun had laboriously explained why in the months after the breakup when they’d done just what they were doing now. He sensed a trap but couldn’t quite make out Daesung’s angle.

“Because it was time to end it.”

“Why?”

“Because fucking around with guys isn’t something you can do all your life.”

“Well, you know that’s not true, plenty of guys settle down with each other.”

“Not celebrities. Not in Korea. Seungri needed to go into the military, serve honorably, then meet a nice girl he can take home to his mom and have a litter of babies.”

“Who said?”

“What do you mean ‘who said’? That’s how it is.”

“For someone who strives to be so non-conformist, why are you doing what society says anyways?”

“Because it’s the type of life Seungri deserves. A family. Happiness.”

“And why are _you_ the one that gets to decide what kind of life Seungri deserves?” Seunghyun gaped, the trap fully sprung around him. “Why can’t Seungri decide what it is he wants, why couldn’t he decide back then? No- wait. He _did_ decide. He decided when he asked you to be with him. When he confessed. He _told_ you what he wanted, and you decided you knew better than him.”

Daesung sat, sending Seunghyun tumbling to the floor. He sat, staring up at Daesung in horror.

“If what you say is right, and you were a monster when you were together, then own it. Own all of it. Own that you took away Seungri’s right to choose what kind of life would make him happy. I’m leaving.” Daesung straightened his clothes and stepped around Seunghyun. “We’re going to see ‘Ri tomorrow. It will probably be the last visit before discharge. You are, as always, welcome to come.”

  


Seunghyun awoke to the cold tile and a sharp pain in his back. He groaned. He was getting too old for these kinds of shenanigans. There were two empty bottles laying on the coffee table and his mouth tasted like ass. “And not the good kind,” he grumped to himself.

Whining, he managed to stand and shuffled to the bedroom to collapse on the bed. His phone pinged from the nightstand and he managed to focus enough to get it and read:

> _Leaving now. if you’re coming, text me._

The night before rushed back at him and he cursed as he rolled himself into a ball. Opening up another text thread on his phone, he messaged his manager to cancel his day. He downed the bottle of water he’d set on his bed stand the night before and passed back out.

Eventually he came back to the slanting rays of mid-afternoon filling his bedroom. The hangover was gone, at least, slept away. Something sharp was digging into his side, though. He grabbed for it and pulled out a book.

Rolling over, he turned open the cover.

> In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever sense.
> 
> “Whenever you feel like criticizing any one,” he told me, “just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had.”

  
  


It had started as a small party, close friends and family, but as with all things with Seungri it had grown. Seunghyun didn’t know half the people who were in the massive facebook group for the event, a fact that twinged at his anxiety. But, it was probably for the best. A small, intimate get together would have meant him and Seungri in close proximity. This many strangers would be a welcome buffer.

Arriving at the club Jiyong had rented out for the night when it became clear that just dinner would not be enough, Seunghyun squared his shoulders and pasted his largest, fakest smile on his face.

Bowing and nodding as he made his way to the throng, recognizing about half of the people by name and the rest - must be Seunghyun’s club friends, he figured. He made his way around the floor and up a set of metal stairs to a series of small booths, their privacy curtains pulled back. He found the one with Youngbae and Daesung and sat down, removing his sunglasses and placing them on the already appetizer-laden table.

“Hyung,” they greeted him warmly, and Daesung threw an arm around him in a tight half-hug. “You ok?” Daesung whispered, softly.

Seunghyun gave him a winning smile and said, “of course, the maknae is back!” voice full of false cheer. He knew Daesung could see right thru him but there was no calibrating when it came to Seunghyun’s celebrity face. He was either on or off, no in-between.

Daesung gave a squeeze to Seunghyun’s shoulder then turned his attention down to the crowd below where a buzz had gone up. Hyorin appeared, not noticing the crowd below and laden with a pitcher in one hand, and a stack of empty glasses in the other, nestled within one another, and a glass with a clear, amber drink at the top.

Youngbae jerked up and reached to relieve her. “I thought you were just going to the bathroom! You should have told the waitresses to do this!” He yelped and took the drinks, placing them on the table and holding her hand as he settled her in his seat.

“Oh, stop fussing,” she said with a laugh and swatted at him.

“Get used to it,” Daesung teased. “He’s a born mother-hen and your condition is just an excuse for him to go into overdrive.”

Hyorin smiled shyly and dropped a hand to the small swell of her stomach. “Gosh, I know, he’s terrible.”

“Hey!” Youngbae said, “I’m allowed.” He poured the pitcher out to the empty cups and offered them around.

Hyorin rolled her eyes and reached for her own glass. “Apple juice,” she explained to Daesung.

“And no smoking!” Youngbae chastised, eyeing Seunghyun.

Seunghyun rolled his eyes. “I know, Youngbae. I’m surprised you even let her out of the house.”

Hyorin laughed. “I’m only a couple months along, I can still fight him when he’s being The Worst.”

The music that had been playing low in the background surged, cutting off the end of her words and the crowd gave up a cheer.

“How you doin’, everybody?” Jiyong’s familiar English drawl echoed through the speakers. The crowd roared. “I said how you doin?!”

Seunghyun stood and walked to the railing to look down on the stage, the rest joining him.

“Show off,” Youngbae shouted down, words swallowed by the crowd.

“So we got someone here who wants to play a set.” Jiyong smiled down at the crowd’s jubilation. “Now, it’s been a little while -” more shouts - “but I think we should hear him out!”

The screams reached a fever pitch then were slowly drowned out by the swell of bass and drum. Jiyong gave a squawk and dove off the stage into the crowd.

Seungri’s _Where Are You From_ played, remixed for the bodies ready to writhe and grind on the floor. Seungri, himself, was nowhere to be seen.

“Ya!” Jiyong said, bounding up to them and scooping the drink from Seunghyun’s hands.

“Where is he?” Hyorin shouted.

Jiyong gulped down Seunghyun’s beer and waved to the curtain behind the stage.  Seunghyun’s heart began to pound in his chest, breathing seemed impossible. Daesung’s warm hand pressed to his back and Seunghyun managed to give him a smile.

Hyorin returned to the booth, to sip her juice and enjoy the music and Youngbae sat next to her, brooding and fussing and being a general irritant in her direction. Jiyong danced against the railing, throwing in a bit of choreography with his general bopping. And Daesung - Daesung stood behind Seunghyun, arm draped loosely around his stomach and chin resting on his shoulder, chest a warm weight steadying Seunghyun.

It was only a few songs before the curtain parted, revealing Seungri.

Seunghyun let out a breath and a warm flush rushed through him and - there he was. His mind was almost clinical as he regarded Seungri. He looked the same, but different. Older. All the youthfullness had melted off his face. He was lean and his shirt hugged tight to well-defined muscle. There was something else, too, something else he couldn’t quite define. The set of his shoulders was solid and the way he surveyed the crowd - commanding. That was the word for it.

There had always been a little hesitancy to him, as if he were constantly checking himself. It was gone now, along with the last vestiges of cherub-cheeked boyishness.

Seunghyun looked at him and felt - calm. He’d thought he would be a mess but, somehow the panic and anticipation that had been swelling within him had evaporated. Stepping out of Daesung’s arms, he stood alone, gripping the railing and looking down at Seungri across a sea of people.

He snorted. Seungri was wearing a green shirt. It was a sign, his cynical mind provided.

As the song ended, Seungri turned down the next one and grabbed a mic, stepping around the DJ’s booth to address the crowd.

“Hi,” he said, with a small laugh and duck of his head. The crowd cheered his name. “It’s been a while, huh? I missed you all.”

Shouts of “we missed you” and “it was too long” and “you look so good” filled the air.

“Jiyong-hyung said he didn’t even recognize me,” Seungri said and looked up to where Jiyong stood. Seunghyun’s heart gave a flutter at the sight of Seungri’s full face bathed in the stage light. The changes in him were even more apparent. “Do you recognize me?” he shouted.

The crowd screamed an affirmation.

“Thank you so much for supporting me while I was away and for being here tonight. I was just going to do a small dinner with all my favorite people but the more of them I listed the bigger the table got and I realized this would be the best way.” There were cheers as Seungri continued. “I have missed you all so much-” he paused, voice tight - “but I am glad to be back and I can’t wait to make more music for and with you.

“I’ve tortured you enough with my set - I’m so rusty - so enjoy the regular DJ and please, drink all you want! It’s on Jiyong-hyung!”

“Ya!” Jiyong shouted at Seungri but all he got was an impish smirk in return.

The light on Seungri cut out and he hopped down into the crowd. The music resumed, another DJ taking Seungri’s place and the rest of Big Bang sat, waiting for Seungri to make his way through the crowd to them.

“Ya! Seungri!” Jiyong shouted when he appeared in the booth.

“No, Jiyong, let us say hi before you kill him,” Youngbae said, standing to embrace Seungri first. Hyorin was next then then said goodbye, Hyorin unable to hide her yawns any further. Seungri gave her a peck on the cheek and waved them off.

Daesung was next, enveloping Seungri in a huge hug and picking him up off the ground. “Yah, are you even eating?” he teased. “You are skin and bone.”

“You mean muscle and bone,” Seunghyun said, slyly and felt his self-disgust rise up. He ignored it. Daesung put Seungri down and he and Seunghyun looked at one another.

“Hi,” Seungri managed and Sunghyun forewent words for a repeat of Daesung’s stunt. He lifted Seungri and instantly recognized his mistake as his heart stuttered. The intimacy was too much. The unique smell that was Seungri’s alone enveloped him and, pressed together, he could feel all the changes service had made to his body, so he ended with shaking Seungri violently from side to side while laughing raucously.

“Hyung! Hyuuung!” Seungri screeched. “Put me down!”

Seunghyun dropped Seungri and he almost toppled to the ground.

“Dork,” Jiyong said, smacking him on the head then reaching out a hand to steady Seungri. Seunghyun preened for his audience and sat back in the booth.

“Really,” Jiyong said, looking at Seungri. “On me?”

“Hyung, you know you can afford it and I’m worth it.” Seungri gave him a wide grin and pulled him into a hug.

“I hate you,” Jiyong said, but he laughed as they embraced.

“Well, I need to go too,” Daesung said, face apologetic. “Rehearsal early tomorrow.”

“Oh, awesome!” Seungri said. “I heard you were playing Death this time in Elizabeth!”

“Yeah! Just let me know when and I will get you tickets.”

Seungri saw Daesung down the stairs and began to mingle with his friends. Sitting back down, Seunghyun realized that Jiyong was staring at him, knowingly.

“Oh, fuck off, Ji.”

Jiyong shrugged his shoulders in mock innocence and fished for his smokes. “I’m not going to say anything.”

Flagging down a waitress, Seunghyun ordered a bottle of wine and sat, in a daze, staring down at the shifting crowd.

“Earth to Seunghyun, Seunghyun.”

Seunghyun blinked, looking up at Seungri’s face - too close. He jerked back and swayed.

“Hey, hey careful.” Seungri’s hands steadied him.

“Jiyong?”

“Down grinding on some model or -” he peered down at the crowd- “three.”

Seunghyun snorted. “Time to go.” He stood and lurched, Seungri jumping forward to steady him. Looking down he registered the table, littered with bottles.

“Hyung, you want me to take you home?” Seungri held hands up, just short of touching him, ready to catch him if he stumbled.

“I can get a driver-” The world tilted precariously and Seungri was there, holding him up.

“All right, hyung, you’ve had enough fun.” There was a pause as Seungri sent out a series of text messages then turned to help Seunghyun down the stairs. Seunghyun tried to protest that he was the guest of honor and couldn’t possibly leave, only to be ignored.

Once out on the street, waiting for Seungri’s car to come around, Seunghyun felt compelled to make conversation.

“So - got out today, huh?”

“Yeah,” Seungri said with a smile, “it feels weird.”

Seunghyun nodded and stared at the concrete between his feet. “You know, I’m proud of you. We’re proud of you.”

“I know hyung. Uh, thank you.”

Seunghyun nodded again.

The roar of an engine brought his eyes up and he saw Seungri’s car, sleek, sporty, so like him. “Present from Jiyong,” he explained. Of course it was. Seunghyun had never gotten Seungri a present, not a real one like that. Seunghyun made note of that fact, it was another club he could use on himself later.

He let Seungri tuck him into the passenger seat and then slumped against the door.

“So, how you been?” Seungri’s voice was so quiet as to be almost inaudible over the car.

“Good, good.” There were no words and no way Seunghyun could describe exactly how not good he was.

“Yeah, good.”

The road slipped by and Seunghyun was assaulted by dozens of memories of sitting in a car, just like this, Seungri driving while they teased one another back and forth, laughing and mocking and more than a little aroused. A lump constricted Seunghyun’s throat.

Seunghyun’s house was across town from the club. He racked his brain for things to talk about but, in his muddled haze all he could think about was how much he missed the man sitting right next to him. So he bit his tongue. Seungri, apparently, had nothing to say to him either.  

Eventually the awkwardness ended and Seungri pulled into the drive of Seunghyun’s apartment block. “Do you need help up?”

“No, I-” Seunghyun’s hand slipped off the door handle without actually opening the door.

“That’s what I thought,” Seungri jumped out of the driver’s seat and walked around to get Seunghyun and escort him up to his flat.

“You haven’t changed the password have you,” he teased with a sly smile that stabbed right through Seunghyun’s heart.

“No, no I haven’t.”

Seungri got him in the door and into slippers and then, before he re-opened the door to leave he froze, hand on the door handle but eyes refusing to look at Seunghyun. “You didn’t come to see me,” he whispered. “Ji came, Bae and Seungie but -”

“I know.” Shame writhed in Seunghyun, a living thing smothering him. “I didn’t want to make it awkward, difficult.”

Seungri looked up at him, eyes dark and warm, inviting Seunghyun in but he could meet them for only a moment. “It wouldn’t have been too difficult.”

Seunghyun tried again to meet his gaze. “I’m sorry,” he said, apologizing for more than just missing visits.  “I just wanted to do the right thing.”

“I know, hyung.”

Seunghyun was achingly aware of how close they were, of how Seungri looked up at him, face soft, without any trace of anger, judgement. All sense of time and place slipped away as the looked and really saw one another. He watched as Seungri’s lips parted, softly, in a way he’d seen hundreds of times, always before Seunghyun kissed him. He wondered what Seungri would do if he leaned in and took a kiss.

Taking a deep breath, Seunghyun wrenched himself away and stepped into his living room. “Thank you for seeing me home, maknae,” he said into the darkness of his home.

“See you tomorrow, hyung.” The door clicked closed behind Seungri.

  


Seungri had been drinking those ridiculous cocktails Daesung loved to make and Seunghyun loved every bit of it. “You’re sweet,” he said, licking Seungri’s lower lip then slipping his tongue along Seungri’s, reveling in the taste.

Seungri laughed and pushed Seunghyun’s tongue back, then filling Seunghyun’s mouth with his own tongue, slick and wiggling.

Seunghyun jerked his head away, laughing. “Stop, that’s not even hot!”

“What? You saying my kisses don’t do it for you?” Seungri stuck his tongue out as far as it could go and wiggled it. Seunghyun screwed up his face and clamped his mouth around Seungri’s exposed tongue.

“Hyun hyuuuhhh,” Seungri squealed and tried to get away, arms flailing.

“Nope, sorry, tongue’s mine now!”

“Jokes on you, you can’t claim it and talk at the same time.”

“Thief!” Seunghyun pounced on Seungri and shouted for him to stick his tongue back out so he could claim his property.

“Oh god go fuck already.” Jiyong gave a long suffering sigh.

They were in the living room of the house where they’d filmed _We Like 2 Party_. Trapped in his dreams, drunk on his bed, Seunghyun groaned but could not wake and so the memory kept going.

Seungri laughed and pulled Seunghyun up the stairs.

“Yah that’s too close! Go to the pool house!” Jiyong screeched.

“You better be as loud as you can be,” Seunghyun said to Seungri, changing direction and pulling him towards the pool house. “Or you don’t get to come.”

“Guys, please,” Youngbae said, with his Very Dissapointed Mom Voice.

They laughed and ran to the pool house, making it as far as the first sofa before collapsing, mouths pressed together and legs wrapping one another.

“Hyung, I have an idea.”

“Shut up, I’m using your mouth.”

“No, no-” But this time Seungri had had a different plan.

In his bed, tears began to well at the corners of Seunghyun’s eyes, staining his pillow.

Seungri let himself be kissed again but Seunghyun noticed his hands were busy, and not in the good way. “What are you doing,” he moaned against Seungri’s throat, and grabbed for his hands to take them from useless pockets to his cock. Seungri laughed then bumped him with a small bottle.

“Lube?” he asked dumbly. Seungri grinned down at him, eyes mischievous and hair delightfully askew. Seunghyun loved the white. “What do we need that for?” He didn’t bother to wait for a response, stroking the back of Seungri’s head and pulling him down for another kiss. “Wait-” He blinked and pulled back. “Do you-”

Seungri was still grinning and this time gave him a wink then slid down Seunghyun’s body to rest against the opposite armrest of the couch. He shucked off his shorts then ripped the shirt off over his head and Seunghyun reclined, watching.

“You’re buying this couch,” Seungri said as he drizzled his fingers with the lube carelessly, drops sliding down his wrist and dropping onto the plush leather.

Whatever - Seunghyun didn’t care. He stared at Seungri, hungry. They usually stuck to hand jobs or blow jobs or just - rubbing against one another which was so, so delicious so this -

Seungri lifted one leg, knee bent, and relaxed it against the back of the couch, the other stayed on the floor, opening him up. His slick hand gripped his full cock and he gave a lazy stroke before releasing and pouring more lube onto his other hand. “You’re still clothed, hyung.”

Seunghyun absently tugged at his clothing, moving zombielike, engrossed by Seungri’s’ hands. He’d gone back to stroking and, discarding the lube on the floor, the fingers of his other hand had begun circling the entrance to his ass.

He moved slowly, teasingly, putting on a little show all for Seunghyun. It couldn’t have lasted long, it lasted forever. When Seunghyun could take no more, he’d surged forward to claim Seungri’s mouth, his hands, him.

“Protection,” Seunghyun said with a grunt his cock had rubbed against Seungri’s over-heated flesh.

“Here,” Seungri kicked at his pants, and, using his toes, managed to half pull his phone out of its pocket.

“You keep a condom in your phone?” Seunghyun had said, scandalized but not enough to stop. It was enough that he’d stopped long enough to be responsible, neither of them were particularly exclusive, after all.

“What else is that little compartment on the case for?” Seungri asked.

Seunghyun rolled his eyes and placed the condom over his dick then leaned back over Seungri. Surely there were other time’s he’d penetrated Seungri, cock sliding into his warm heat, to be enveloped, possessed. But this was the only one Seunghyun ever remembered, the one that came back to him in dreams. He’d been exquisite and oh, so, Seungri.

  


Seunghyun jerked awake, the familiar mix of arousal and dread sinking his stomach. He tried to stretch but only curled in tighter on himself. Of course he would have that dream. Looking around he realized it was morning. Early enough to leave before he found himself a bottle of wine and locked himself in for the rest of the weekend.

“Oh you’re early,” Sunmi, the Sunday morning barista, said as he walked into Melt, it’s only customer this early. “Rough night?”

Seunghyun grunted and she smiled, knowingly. “I’ll send your usual up in a bit.” Beside her, Cucumber whined softly, begging for pets.

Seunghyun waved and she padded over, tail wagging. “They haven’t locked you up yet, huh? You should probably get over there before anyone gets in trouble.” He waved to her normal spot by the door and she gave him a little lick then walked over to it, waiting to be tied up. Sunmi gave him a look of thanks then went to leash Cucumber.

“Hey,” Seunghyun said before he walked up to his alcove. “What’s with the ‘Closing Sale’ Sign?”

“Oh, owner’s moving to Jeju this summer. Has to get rid of all the stuff in here. Books and albums are 10% off”

“Wait, closing?” Of course, of course it was closing. That was exactly how his life would go.

“Mr. Go’s mom is sick,” Sunmi explained.

“Oh.” Guilt could apparently compound. Seunghyun felt like an ass. “That’s -” he looked for the right words - “really sad.”

“Barista’s get work quick, at least.”

Walking up to his spot, Seunghyun retrieved the copy of his book from his jacket pocket and began flipping through to his last spot.

Sunmi eventually brought his drink, then another. Early morning shifted towards midday as Seunghyun neared the end of the book.

> “...I thought of Gatsby’s wonder when he first picked out the green light at the end of Daisy’s dock. He had come a long way to this blue lawn, and his dream must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to grasp it. He did not know that it was already behind him..."

He closed the book, unable to read for a while, and watched Seoul pass by out of the window.

 


	3. Chapter 3

####  Seungri looked quizzically at his phone. He’d set up notifications for all his hyung’s instagram accounts but he’d long since given up on understanding half of Seunghyun’s. This time it was a picture of a green lantern.

####  “Hey,” Mikyung said just before she sat down across from Seungri. He half stood as she sat but she was took quick for him to actually get her chair. Slipping his phone back into his pocket, he sat across from her. They were in their favorite restaurant, a discreet little Sushi bar not far from her apartment block. “I’m sorry I wasn’t at your party.”

“It’s ok,” Seungri said. He’d been surprised she’d even agreed to meet. He knew what was coming but gave her props for having the class to do it in person. “I ordered you the ahi.”

She smiled at him but didn’t bother to unwrap her napkin or even remove the purse from her shoulder. “Seungri,” she began, then paused. He took a moment to appreciate how lovely she looked, even now. She was perfectly put together, long hair pulled back into a twist with only a single lock left to fall, waving naturally by her ear. Her white silk blouse and black pinstripe pencil skirt were the height of Business Professional Chic. Only the slight redness at the cuticle of her fingers betrayed her habit of nibbling at them while she concentrated. Even her flaws were endearing. 

“It’s ok, Mi-ya,” Seungri said. “You can say it.”

“I’m so sorry, Seungri, I thought, I think-”

He reached a hand out to rest over hers, clenched tight on the table. “Kyung-ie, look at me.”

She didn’t look up. “I do care about you Seungri, I do. But - I am finally on track to make VP. Eunhye says if I keep it up, the position will be mine in 2 years.”

“That’s amazing.” Eunhye was Mikyung’s mentor, an older woman, who’d been programming longer than they had been alive, that had taken Mikyung under her wing years ago. 

“I’ve come so far these last two years,” she said. The two years he’d been away. “I’d hoped to be further along but -  I don’t want kids and I don’t want marriage, Seungri-sshi.” She looked miserable but Seungri nodded. She’d been on the fence about those two things when they first started dating but it seems her mind had finally settled. “And I just don’t have any more time.”

It hurt. He’d known it was coming and it still hurt. He felt cold, and tears threatened. “I love you,” he whispered, not to convince her to changed her mind but to show that he understood. “I knew from our first date that you would go far. I know how hard you have to work to get what you want.”

“You’re probably the only man I’ve ever dated who did.” She finally sank back into her seat, tension between her shoulders easing tightly. 

“I want you to do well, I want you to succeed. You deserve it.”

“And you?”

The ahi appetizer arrived at that moment so they broke off and let the waitress set the table. Once she was gone, Seungri picked at the food, appetite gone. 

“You’ll be ok, Seungri,” Mikyung said. 

Seungri gulped down water around the lump in this throat and nodded. “I knew it was coming, I sensed it-”

“I’m sure I made it obvious, I’m sorry-”

He waved at her and continued. “I thought we could be cool and share a last meal but -”

It was her turn to cover his hands with one of her own. “You’ll be ok, Seungri. You’re ‘The Great Seungri’ after all.” He gave her a pathetic laugh and an attempt at a smile. “I won’t stay,” she said, sliding forward on her seat and tensing to rise. “Thank you, for everything, for us, for being so kind, and for understanding.” 

Seungri nodded. He wasn’t going to be able to speak again. She brushed her fingers on his shoulder, a farewell pat as she walked away. Seungri waited a few minutes, enough time for her to get a cab. 

Standing, gripping the table so his knees didn’t buckle he managed to toss a ridiculously large bill onto the table and make his way out of the restaurant. Waving down a cab he rattled off a familiar address before the tears, finally, began to fall. 

  
  


“Seungri.” Jiyong greeted him with surprise and stepped back to let him in. 

“We broke up-”

“You and Mikyung?” 

Seungri nodded. 

“I- didn’t even realize you were still together.” 

Seungri glared at him and slumped off to Jiyong’s bedroom. Nothing about his place had changed. The bed wasn’t even made, which was perfect. Seungri flopped down onto it and rolled himself in the sheets. They smelled of Jiyong and cigarettes. They smelled of comfort. 

A beer settled on the night stand beside the bed and Jiyong crawled in to cuddle him. “I’m sorry, Ri,” Jiyong said. “Ya, your phone is blowing up.” The notifications had been going non stop for a little while. 

“Seunghyun is being a dork,” Seungri sobbed. 

Jiyong’s eyes narrowed. “You have notifications set up for Seunghyun.”

“I have them -” he drew in a shaky breath- “set for all of you-u.”

Soft hands patted his head. “Ok, Ri.” 

Jiyong shuffled around on the bed and resettled with his phone. “It was 9 pictures that lined up to make a big picture of a dock, and now we are at 9 pictures of screenshots of 9 pictures lined up to make a mess of pictures of a dock.”

“What does that even mean?” Seungri asked, laughing and crying and more than a little hysterical. 

“Who the fuck even knows,” Jiyong said. He tossed the phone and resumed cuddling Seungri. “So what do you want to do. Lay here and be miserable for a while? Get drunk? Go out and party? Find a hookup??”

“Yes.” Seungri didn’t know what he wanted but just being able to be with Jiyong was already lightening his heart. 

“That’s not an answer.”

Seungri shrugged. “After - after Seunghyun,” he managed, “I worked a lot. I think I’ll probably do that.”

“Want me to call your manager?”

Seungri shook his head. “Not yet. I just -” he waved a hand. 

“Ok you can work tomorrow. Did you have anything scheduled today?”

Seungri shook his head. 

“Ok so I’ll just turn on the TV and we’ll lay here and when you get hungry we’ll order take out.”

After about an hour the cries subsided enough for Seungri to actually follow the movie on the screen. “Wait, are they lesbians?” he asked, watching with his head on Jiyong’s chest and tucked in to his side. 

“Mmhmm,” Jiyong said around a mouthful of chips. “Haven’t you seen this before?”

“I think I missed it.” Seungri’s voice felt raw and thick and the stuffy nightmare of his nose turned all his words funny. 

“This is a good one.”

“You know, you’re getting chips all over me… and the bed.” Seungri flicked at the crumbs on Jiyong’s stomach. 

“Eh, cleaning ajumah will be here in a few hours to change the sheets.”

Seungri’s phone went of three times in quick succession. “Is the madman posting again?” he asked. 

“Probably,” Jiyong said, without checking. “You know you can mute those notifications.”

“Yeah,” Seungri said. “I should probably do that.”

  
  


Seungri, true to his word, threw himself back in to his work. He’d been a bit worried that there would be nothing for him upon his return but between catching up with the management of his sublabel, and the ramen empire he had more than enough to keep him busy. Yang CEO calling them in to his office a week later with a tentative comeback schedule added even more to his plate. Any time that was left over he spent up locked in his home studio writing for himself. 

After a few weeks he realized that mostly he was mourning the idea of a girlfriend, a partner, not really Mikyung herself. They’d already been apart so long that her loss didn’t really shape any part of Seungri’s life. The places they’d gone to together had all been on her side of town, none of their friends overlapped, none of their work was in the same sphere. Quicker than he would have imagined, she’d slipped out of his mind. 

“It was harder before,” he said thoughtfully to Daesung a few weeks later. “I thought it was always going to be that hard.”

“What breakups?” 

Seungri nodded. They were sitting in Big Bang’s favorite recording room on the 4th floor of the YG building, waiting for the rest of the group to arrive. 

“I just always thought you’re miserable for years after.” 

“I think it’s easier when they aren’t always around,” Daesung said. 

“Yeah, you probably have a point.” Seungri mentally prodded at his heart, at where the feelings of loss and sadness had lived after Mikyung left. For good measure he prodded at the old Seunghyun feelings. “It’s just strange. I know I loved him - them. I know I did. And I know I missed them. At the time I thought my life was ending but - it’s not like the feelings are gone-” he gave another prod - “they’re just more quiet, smaller, faded.”

“Yes, Seungri,” Daesung said, voice the overly patient tone of a parent talking to a particularly slow child, “that’s how feelings usually work after a break up.”

“Hey, don’t be all judgey, I never really got to date like you guys did!”

Chagrined, Daesung shut up. It was true. Though only a year and a half younger, a year and a half between 15 and 17 was a big deal. He often forgot how young Seungri had been when thrust into the spotlight. Not that Daesung had had much experience with girls but he’d had enough to have had his first heartbreak. And while Seungri was throwing himself into work and his - whatever - with Seunghyun, Daesung had notched his bedpost a few more times since. 

“I’m sorry, Ri,” he said and Ri gave him a smile. 

“It’s ok. I just - I’m doing all of this late, I know. This whole figuring things out, thing.”

“I don’t think you ever stop figuring things out,” Daesung mused. Seungri sagely nodded his head and stroked at an imaginary beard. “Oh, quit it.” They laughed and then were interrupted by the door and their hyungs. 

“Finally,” Seungri said, standing and flipping his hat backwards so he could hug them. Seunghyun held on a little too tightly but, that seemed to be common now-a-days.

“Ok,” Jiyong said, sinking into the seat at the computer and mixing boards and turning to his group. “Teddy will be in in a bit but we can start listening to what I’ve got so far. We’re shooting for a full album so 10 songs at least and I’ve got a pool of about 25 hopefuls we can go through - yes, Ri?”

Seungri felt a hot flush spread over his cheeks. He’d been thinking about their comeback album since before he got out and had been wondering how to work up the courage to tell Jiyong his ideas. He hadn’t counted on Jiyong being able to read him so well. 

“No, it’s nothing,” he said, embarrassed. Jiyong shrugged and was about to go on when Seunghyun intervened. 

“Go ahead, Ri,” he said. Seungri met his gaze, a bit surprised. Seunghyun usually didn’t speak much at these sessions, content to dispense his rap as though a God descending amongst mortals then retreat into his own thoughts, letting Jiyong and Teddy dictate most of the rest. 

“I was just thinking, maybe it would be nice if we did a double album.”

“No one does double albums in pop,” Youngbae said. 

“No one else is Big Bang,” Seungri countered. 

“So what’s on this double album?” Jiyong asked. He looked at Seungri appraisingly. 

“Well, I was thinking enough songs for a full album and solo songs from me, and you, and, well, all of us.” He gestured around the room. “I know I’ve been writing for myself and I know Seunghyun-hyun has like three albums tucked away at home, you too, hyung,” he said to Jiyong. 

“Why would we put them on an extra long album and not just save them for solo-work?” Jiyong asked. 

“Because it’s our first big comeback since enlistment and - VIPs deserve it. To say greet all of us again but also each of us individually.” Seungri sat forward, impassioned. “I know it doesn’t make much business sense. I know there are more marketable ways to release. But it doesn’t always have to be about the money. Sometimes there are better ways to do things that don’t mean more money.” 

“I think it’s a good idea,” Seunghyun said. Jiyong shot him a look and they stared at one another a long moment, some unseen conversation going on between them. 

“Do the rest of you have songs you think could work?” Jiyong asked.

“Maybe,” said Youngbae and Daesung nodded from beside Seungri. 

“Alright, bring them next time. And lets get through what I have here.”

  
  


“Thanks, hyung,” Seungri said when it was just the two of them walking to the elevator down to the parking garage. Jiyong had gone upstairs to float their idea by the CEO and Youngbae and Daesung had taken the stairs to the cafeteria. 

“Yeah, Seungri.” Seunghyun held the elevator door open, letting Seungri in first. “I know you always have ideas for the group.” They both pressed the button for the garage and then fumbled away from one another, awkwardly. 

“Well, thanks.” They stood in silence for the rest of the ride. At the garage level, Seunghyun greeted his manager and Seungri got in to his car. His phone chimed before he could turn it on, though. He read the text from Seunghyun.

> _ Do you still have that song you composed for the group? _

Seungri’s stomach fluttered. That had been so long ago.

> _ Yeah _
> 
> _ Why? _
> 
> _ If you bring it up to Jiyong, I’ll back you up again.  _

The fluttering of Seungri’s stomach turned into a full revolution. 

“Ji does our writing,” Seunghyun had said dismissively all those years ago when Seungri had mustered up the courage to share his self composed work. So proud to write something he considered actually good enough for the whole group. 

His phone beeped again.

> _ I was wrong that time. I should have been more supportive. It’s a good song. I shouldn’t have ignored you. _

Seungri swallowed and steadied his breath, a rush of emotions overwhelming him. 

> _ Thanks, hyung _
> 
> _ Driving now. _

It had been an old rule, imposed by Seunghyun after his accident. Seungri always locked his phone in his glove compartment while driving. He hadn’t been texting during the accident but Seunghyun had gone on a bit of a tear afterwards. The agreement had appeased him and Seungri had never stopped the habit. 

When he got home he retrieved his phone to find a single notification. Seunghyun had posted a photo of Leonardo DiCaprio as Gatsby, raising a champagne glass. 

  
  


The album was a success. Not that there had been much doubt. And it was a double album, praised as a stroke of genius. The fans gobbled it up. The title track hit the roof an obscene number of times, and right beside it on the liner notes, was Seungri’s name for both Lyrics and Composition. 

“Good job, Maknae,” Jiyong drawled, drunk and elated and ignoring the messages blowing up his phone in favor of not moving from his spot on his sofa. 

“Thanks, hyung.” Seungri had come over for dinner but dinner was, apparently, soju and ramen. And the ramen was now a distant memory.

“Oh, fine, fine,” Jiyong snapped at his phone, scooping it up off the coffee table. “Fucking Seunghyun,” he muttered.

“What did he do this time?”

“He’s posting nonsense.”

Seungri laughed. “Let him live, hyung.”

Look, it’s a picture of silly scrollwork and random lines. Jiyong held up the phone. 

“Art Deco,” Seungri said, placing the style. He didn’t know the work but he recognized the style well enough.  

“How do you even know?” Jiyong tossed his phone aside and returned to his drink, giggling to himself. 

“I picked up a few things,” Seungri said.

Jiyong rolled his head to look at Seungri thru narrow eyes. “From Seunghyun.”

“Yes,” Seungri said, defensive, “from Seunghyun. We were together for years.”

“Together,” Jiyong said into his drink. Seungri had come clean as to the nature of their relationship long ago. Jiyong knew they’d never been exclusive for all it had seemed otherwise at the time. 

“Yes, together. Whether it was official or not, I know now it was a real thing.”

“I know it was!”

“Then why’d you say it like that?!”

“Because you guys were idiots then and you’re idiots now.”

“You’re drunk and not making any sense.” Seungri rolled his eyes but his heart gave a little stutter. Seunghyun had been - attentive was the only word for it - to Seungri since his discharge. He kept telling himself that it was just friendliness. He’d promised himself not to fall in for Seunghyun again. 

Jiyong suddenly sat forward, eyes boring into Seungri. “Do you love Seunghyun?” Seungri gaped. “Would you get back with him?”

“And get my heart broken again?”

“I think he’s still in love with you,” Jiyong said and Seungri snorted. 

“Fat chance of that.”

Jiyong sank back into his seat, twirling at his rings. Seungri looked off into the distance, mind turning Jiyong’s question over. Did he love Seunghyun?

“I loved him once,” Seungri said, quietly after a while. “I loved him so much. And he loved me, I recognize that now.” Jiyong looked at him, attentive but patient. “He just thought he knew better than me so he lied, to himself, to me. Decided he knew what was best.” He paused. “We both lied.”

“And now?”

“And now we’ve moved on, Ji. We’ve grown up and changed. Dated people. It’s - the past. Like it is with you two.” 

Jiyong pulled a face. He hated reminders that they’d dated once upon a time. “Fair’s fair, I guess.” 

They drank in silence for a while, and that is likely why Seungri eventually confessed, “I could probably love him again,” when it looked like Jiyong was drifting off to sleep. 

A few hours later, they’d drifted off enough to sober up and Seungri awoke to Jiyong trying to piggy-back him to the bedroom. Laughing, he stood with the world only slightly spinning, and navigated back towards Jiyong’s room. 

“You know, Ri,” Jiyong said as they walked arm in arm. “You did good on the album.”

“Thanks, hyung.”

“You have more songs, don’t you.”

“Uh-”

“Imma text you a place,” Jiyong said as he tossed Seungri into his bed. “Meet me there tomorrow night and maybe we can go over what you have.”

Flattered, Seungri preened a bit then grimaced. “I know why hyung dumped you,” he said, all sense of caution gone. “Who wants to sleep in a crumb-filled bed?” Accepting the fists and pillows that swung his way, Seungri scooched over and made room for Jiyong. 

“You know, they’re Great Gatsby references,” Jiyong said just as Seungri was falling asleep, so he had no chance to begin deciphering what he could possibly mean. “He’s pining.”

  
  


The next afternoon, Seungri got a text from Jiyong with the address for a cafe. “Melt,” he read. It sounded hipster, and it was in Seunghyun’s neighborhood. Must be pretty good to get Jiyong all the way over from his place. “Be there at 6?” he said as he messaged back. Jiyong replied with a devil emoji….and an eggplant. 

“Gross,” Seungri muttered. 

The dog outside growled at him as he opened the door, which he should have taken for a sign. 

“What are you doing here?” Seungri said, graceless in his shock. 

“Nice to meet you too,” Seunghyun said, grumpy and looking out of sorts. “Damn it, Jiyong.”

“He said to meet him here.”

“Yes, I know.” Seunghyun began packing notebooks into a backpack. “But he isn’t coming. He tricked us into meeting up here.”

Fragments of his conversation with Jiyong the night before struggled to make it thru the haze of alcohol. “Why would he do that?”

Seunghyun snapped, “because he is a gossipy asshole with too many ideas that spends too much time with Daesung!” He took in a deep, steadying breath and closed his eyes. “Sorry, I shouldn’t yell at you. I got to go.” He zipped up his bag and began walking away. 

“No.” Seungri shot out a hand and snagged Seunghyun by the sleeve of his jacket. “Why did Jiyong do this?” He looked right at Seunghyun but Seunghyun did not look back. Instead he looked down 

“He is convinced I need to apologize,” he said to his shoes.

“For?” 

Seunghyun didn’t answer, but didn’t walk away either. Eventually he managed to speak. “For being a shit, for breaking up.” His voice went tight and Seungri could see his eyes filling up. “For treating you so terribly.”

“You didn’t treat me terribly.” He very much wanted to have this conversation. He gave Seunghyun a tug and was resisted. So he tugged again harder. “Sit down, Seunghyun.”

“No, Seungri,” he said, voice shaky. 

“You owe it to me to sit down and talk about whatever it is you need to talk about.” Seungri felt a twinge of guilt at the little bit of manipulation but it was easily ignored. 

Defeated, Seunghyun sat and Seungri took a seat as well. Not right beside him or across from him, but rather along the other edge of the square coffee table in the alcove, their knees just short of touching. “Do you want me to close the curtain?” he asked and Seunghyun just gave a small shrug. 

Seungri leaned in his chair and unhooked the heavy sash holding back the curtain and it fell in place, shielding them from curious onlookers

“You don’t need to apologize, you didn’t treat me terribly,” Seungri said, returning to their point.  

“Yes, yes I did,” Seunghyun spoke as though he was choking. “I never,” he took a deep breath. “I never really realized you were grown up - a man. I always treated you like a kid.”

Seungri had an impulse to wave off the statement but he waited a bit, instead. He felt that he should actually listen and consider whatever it was Seunghyun said. He thought back to their past, the times they’d been together. It had always seemed so natural. Seungri was a kid then, really. Had always been a kid to Seunghyun but that’s just how it was when he was years younger. “Yeah, yeah i see that now. II get why you did it - it just made sense. I mean I was just a kid and you were so much older.”

“Three years isn’t ‘so much’,” Seunghyun scoffed.

“It was when we were 15, 16, whatever.”

“We weren’t together then.”

“But it’s how you always saw me,” Seungri stated it as the fact it was. “And that’s ok. What does it matter when we were never really together. It was just fucking.”

“It was just fucking,” Seunghyun repeated.

“Until it wasn’t,” Seungri whispered, admitting the truth they’d hidden from themselves for so long. 

“I thought I was so smart,” Seunghyun said and laughed bitterly. “I thought I’d stopped it before it went too far. I thought I was saving us. But it was more than fucking for a long time.”

Seungri nodded. “Probably since the beginning, or almost, at least for me. It’s hard to say. I never really dated anyone before you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Thank you, hyung,” Seungri said. He never thought he’d get an apology. Never really considered that he’d needed one but something old and broken in him stitched itself back together. “Thank you and I accept your apology.” 

“Well that’s it. I’m going now.” Seunghyun stood and, again, Seungri reached out to him. 

“No don’t go. I haven't talked yet.” He waited as Seunghyun sat again, then waited a little longer.

“I’d convinced myself,” he started, talking half to himself, “that if you just knew what I felt, you’d change your mind. And then the confession. At first I thought it just seemed like a desperate ploy to you. Too flashy, not enough substance for you to really see what you meant to me.

“And then I realized you rejected me because you really  _ did _ see how I felt. You finally could see that I loved you.” He felt a certain sense of detachment as she spoke. As if talking about someone else. “You saw it and realized it had to end because you decided we couldn’t be together.”

“I’m sorry,” Seunghyun said again, hopeless. 

“It was always hopeless between us. Wasn’t it?” As he spoke the words he realized their truth. “Not because we were too stupid to see what we felt, though we were. And not because we finally accepted it.” He looked at Seunghyun who looked like he wanted to disappear. “But because you decided what my future was going to look like, and then forced me to accept it. And I did - because you were the hyung and I was just the kid.” 

Seunghyun nodded, miserable. “I told myself that I knew what was best for you.”

“A lie you told yourself.” Seungri’s words were harsh but his tone gentle. “But I believed it because - because I loved you. Because I thought you’d always know better.”

“Another lie.” 

“You didn’t have the right, Seunghyun. But that’s ok because I gave you the right. We were doomed, then from that very first day because we started off on the wrong foot. There was no way we were ever going to be partners.”

Seungri’s heart thudded in his chest. He could end the conversation now. They’d had their closure or whatever it was this conversation was. They’d apologized and analyzed and so they could walk away. But words were searing themselves on Seungri’s heart and he had to speak them. 

“Jiyong says you’re in love with me.” Seungri stared at Seunghyun intently, trying to read his mind. 

Seunghyun gave a slow nod and Seungri’s heart lept with joy, but he kept himself seated, his voice even. “I told Jiyong I loved you once. I don’t love you now but … I know you, I miss you-” Seunghyun looked in his eyes for the first time since they’d sat. “I miss how things were like when we were good,” Seungri continued. “I could just be friends if that's what you want - but -

“We aren’t who we were then. Neither of us. We don’t have to be those people anymore. We don’t have to do things the way they did.”  He paused and bridged the infinite gap between them to take one of Seunghyun’s hands. “Do you want to get dinner Friday night? An actual date?”

“Seungri-” Seunghyun’s voice was a broken, raspy husk.  

“No, you ended it last time for me and that wasn’t fair. I get to decide what I want and you decide what you want. And what I want is to ask you to dinner Friday night.”

Seungri gave up ever being able to read Seunghyun’s face. It was a mix of too many emotions and he sat, breathless, unknowing what Seunghyun would say. The silence stretched on and on and Seungri spoke, unthinking. “It isn’t greed if you take what you want when you’re scared it’s the wrong thing. It’s courage.”

Seunghyun’s face broke into an earnest smile. “When did you get so wise?” he teased. 

“You know, I actually do listen to you guys. Taeyang and Daesung mostly.”

“Of course,” Seunghyun said, and dropped his eyes to their hands, still clasped together. “Yes, Seungri, I love you and I miss you and - and - I would like to go to dinner on Friday.”

  
  


Seungri didn’t realize it but he’d been planning this comeback for years as well. They went to dinner, they met for drinks, they shared lunch and took in a musical (Daesung’s). They talked late into the night and they kissed, even, a magical moment on Seunghyun’s back porch during a dinner party, which was then repeated night after night just inside Seungri’s front door. 

He reveled in the all consuming sensation that was making out with Seunghyun. It always started soft, tentative, which was new. It had never been like that before. But after the first few nudging lip presses, Seunghyun’s hands would find his waist and pull them in close. His lips would press deeper and the kisses would become all consuming. Seungri’s heart would race and Seunghyun’s hands would slip from waist to his back. 

It was all Seungri could to do hold off and not give in to what they both wanted. He fought nightly, listening to the tiny niggling feeling in his gut that said they needed to wait, to take their time, to get to know one another again. They needed a new pattern of interacting so that they could never again fall in to who they were. 

And so he pulled back each night, before his resolve could weaken, and said good night. 

“Seung-ri,” Seunghyun groaned against the skin lips, breath hot and the hitch of his voice sending a thrill down Seungri’s spine. “I know you’re being responsible. And I don’t want to pressure-”

He broke off to kiss Seungri again then dropped his head just a bit then paused, hovered, waiting with his lips just above Seungri’s neck. Seungri tipped his head back in answer to Seunhyun’g unasked question. Seunghyun licked and nipped at his neck, giving little sucking kisses, not hard enough to mark but hard enough to entice. “God, you taste so good.”

The hands pressed at the small of Seungri’s back balled into fists, clenching Seungri’s shirt. His tongue traced the shell of Seungri’s ear and Seungri whined, a panting, breathy moan. Lightning shot through him and he arched into Seunghyun, their clothed erections pressing against one another. 

Seunghyun stopped and pressed his forehead against Seungri’s jaw. “I know you’re waiting, and you’re probably right to wait so long.”

It had been two months. Two months of dating and snuggling and - months of making out like this against a door; an eternity of Seungri frantically masturbating right here as soon as Seunghyun left. 

Seunghyun pulled back, hair a disheveled mess and lips full and red. “I should probably go, Ji wants to have that tour discussion meeting tomorrow and-”

“Hyung.” Seungri leaned back against the door and looked up at Seunghyun through his lashes, a little pout to his lips. He bit the lower one and Seunghyun sucked in a breath and hastily averted his eyes. 

“And we both know I’m gonna need a while to wind down and sober up when I get home,” Seunghyun continued, valiantly.

Seungri stroked fingers up the lapels of Seunghyun’s dinner jacket. “Hyung, I’m hard,” he whispered. 

“Seungri, I swear if you’re trying to kill me just use a knife-”

“Hyung what if you just sleep over? We can go get breakfast then meet up with the guys.” Seunghyun turned the full force of his dark eyes on Seungri and he felt his knees go weak. “What if you don’t have to sleep in the guest bedroom either?”

Seungri stood and grabbed Seunghyun’s jacket, pulling him back towards the darkened living room. “What if you stay here and I fuck you?”

The words were barely out of his mouth before he was swung up and into Seunghyun’s arms, his long legs nearly running as he carried Seungri to the bedroom. 

Seungri had actually planned for this to be the night. The lamps in his room were dimly lit and the sheets of his bed turned back. A flight of romantic whimsy had led him to place two vases full of red roses on each side of the bed. 

“You sap,” Seunghyun said, laying him on the bed and standing up to loosen his tie. “I love it.”

He undid the tie and the first few buttons of his white dress shirt, letting his jacket fall to the ground. Seungri kicked off his shoes and began undoing his own shirt but Seunghyun sat beside him, stopping him.

“No, mine, you no touch,” he said and lowered his head to kiss at Seungri’s collar as it was exposed, his fingers slipping down to undo his buttons. He placed light kisses along the soft cotton of Seungri’s undershirt, lightly biting into his flesh. 

“Seunghyun,” he said on a long low whine as he writhed under Seunghyun. He brought his hands up to tangle in his hair, pressing his chest up against Seunghyun, asking to be bitten. Seunghyun pulled the neck of Seungri’s undershirt down and bit into the flesh of his chest hard enough to bruise and Seungri cried out, curling up to wrap himself around Seunghyun. 

“I forgot how you sound,” Seunghyun said. He straddled Seungri and grabbed the hem of Seungri’s undershirt, ripping it with one quick motion, exposing his full chest to view. He slid both hands up and down Seungri’s chest, enjoying watching him twist underneath him. 

“My turn,” Seungri said, thrusting up with his hips and rolling them over. He pinned Seunghyun to the bed, laying between his thighs, Seunghyun’s erection pressed against his stomach. He propped himself up on his hands, kissed Seunghyun and moaned as Seunghyun pinched at his nipples with just the right strength. 

It was delicious and electric, this feeling of both old and new that enveloped them. They knew all each other’s quirks and special spots but it had been so long and they had changed so much. It was like the first time, but better. 

Kneeling he yanked off both Seunghyun’s shirts and began unfastening his belt and pants. 

“Lube? Condoms?” Seunghyun asked. 

“Drawer by your head,” Seungri answered, stepping off the bed for a moment to shuck of his pants and underwear. He waited before rejoining Seunghyun, though. 

Seunghyun had found the lube and condoms and managed to shimmie half out of his pants. Seungri grabbed the hem of one of the legs of his pants and helped slide them off. Standing, he watched Seunghyun recline on the bed and stroked himself as he watched Seunghyun lube his fingers. 

“You look good,” Seungri said. 

Seunghyun smirked. “You look good, yourself.”

Before Seunghyun could begin to stretch himself, however, Seungri held his wrist and guided his hand to stroking his cock. “Oh, nice,” Seunghyun said as Seungri knelt on the bed, hooking Seunghyun’s knees up over his shoulders. 

“Yeah,” Seungri said with a laugh. “That kind doesn’t taste good.” He hadn’t, apparently, thought of everything. 

He licked up, along the crack of Seunghyun’s ass to the soft skin of his perineum before taking one of his balls into his mouth, holding it there and laving it with the flat of his tongue. Seunghyun moaned, low and gruff, and began to stroke himself. 

Seungri alternated between each ball, sliding his tongue over each in time with the rhythm of Seunghyun’s strokes. Thanking his foresite in grooming, he brought a hand up to cup Seunghyun’s ass, thumb pressing against his entrance, already slick from spit. 

The spit was too thin to allow more than just a slight pressure, just opening up Seunghyun as his tongue worked the soft skin under Seunghyun’s balls. All that was enough to bring the tell-tale moan that Seungri recognized. He began to chant Seungri’s name and Seungri whispered, “come, ‘hyun-ah.” 

The affectionate nickname sent Seunghyun over the edge and he convulsed, rocking himself down onto Seungri’s finger, penetrating himself and hissing at the pain mingling with the pleasure of orgasm. 

He had barely caught his breath when he flung a hand out to grab at the lube on the nightstand and throw it on Seungri. “Here, please, I need you, now.”

“You’re tight,” Seungri said, flicking open the cap and drizzling lube over his fingers. “You just came, you don’t want to, maybe-”

“I don’t care, it feels good, don’t stop.” Seunghyun spread his legs wide and relaxed as Seungri returned his hand to his entrance. 

Seunghyun  _ was _ tight. Seungri struggled to get the first finger in. “Relax, hyung,” he said with a laugh of amazement. “You just came why are you so tense?”

Fingers danced over his brow and a hand cupped his cheek. Seungri looked up to meet Seunghyun’s eyes. “I’m trying,” Seunghyun said, “I just - I’m scared it isn’t real.”

Keeping his hand between Seunghyun’s legs, Seungri slid up his body to lay alongside him, letting Seunghyun hook the leg between them up on his hip so he could still rub his fingers over Seunghyun’s ass. “I love you, hyung,” he said. “This is real and you aren’t going anywhere.”

The last tension in Seunghyun’s body unwound and he, finally, sunk back into the bed. Seungri returned to between his legs and pressed a single finger in, enveloped and held tight by Seunghyun. “There you go,” he said. 

“Fuck, it’s so good,” Seunghyun whined. 

Seungri went slow, sliding just one finger in and out with shallow thrusts. After a while, he twisted it and crooked his finger and Seunghyun gave a familiar cry. Licking his free hand, he cupped Seunghyun’s flaccid cock, enveloping it in more heat and warmth. It was too spent to harden again but Seungri gave it a squeeze with the next flick of the finger buried in Seunghyun and he was rewarded with another cry and Seunghyun bucking on the bed. 

“Fuck, you didn’t do that last time,” Seunghyun said as he gasped for breath. “I felt like I just came again.” 

Seungri chuckled. “I’ve learned a few tricks.” Two fingers slid, side by side into Seunghyun. 

“The stretch feels amazing,” he said.

“How long has it been, hyung?”

“Too long,” Seunghyun said and wriggled for Seungri. 

Slowly Seunghyun was worked up enough for Seungri to say, “toss me the condom.” 

He got up on his knees and looked down. “Shit,” he mumbled and a flush of embarrassment blazed across his skin. He’d softened a bit while he’d been so focused on Seunghyun. 

“It happens all the time,” Seunghyun assured him. “Come here.”

Seungri slid up Seunghyun’s body, squashing the need to cover his wilted erection. He kneeled on either side of Seunghyun’s shoulders and Seunghyun, propped on the pillows, took Seungri’s cock into his mouth, tongue and lips and low humming bringing him back to life. 

Looking down to see his cock disappearing into Seunghyun’s mouth, looking down to meet Seunghyun’s eyes gazing up at him, sent the blood rushing back down and Seungri pulsed, thick and full. 

Lips kissing and sucking at Seungri’s head, Seunghyun unrolled the condom and slipped it on. 

Repositioning, Seungri moved slowly, gripping himself at his base and pressing through the tight ring of Seunghyun’s asshole, to bury himself fully. He smiled down at Seunghyun for a moment and began to thrust, first slow and then, as Seunghyun’s body adjusted, faster and deeper. 

Seunghyun wrapped his legs around his hips and pulled Seungri close to him. 

“God, I love you,” he whispered and Seungri peaked, climaxed, orgasm rushing through him as he thrust and stuttered, coming inside Seunghyun. 

When they had both come down and come to, they lay, limbs entwined and bodies cooling. 

“Shower?” Seungri asked and Seunghyun nodded.

“Might have to sleep in the spare bedroom,” Seunghyun joked. “This bed’s a mess.”

Seungri felt a twinge of panic. “Go start the shower, hyung,” he said. “I have clean sheets I can put on.”

“Is that a dog barking?” Seunghyun asked as he stood to stretch. “I didn’t know you had a dog.”

“No, not mine,” Seungri said, smoothly. “Upstairs neighbors just got one.”

“Wow, you might want to get a place with better soundproofing, then.” 

Seunghyun went to shower and Seungri, cursing animal insensibility, changed the sheets. 

  
  


Seungri rolled over to the sight of Seunghyun, asleep in his bed, light streaming in and bathing him in a soft, yellow glow. The sight so beautiful, it hurt. 

“God,” Seungri whispered, a prayer of thanks and praise in one word. 

Seunghyun cracked an eye at him. “You rang?”

Seungri laughed and smacked him with the edge of the blanket. “I said God not demon-spawn.”

“Whatever,” Seunghyun said, rolling to embrace Seungri. “Why are you invoking the almighty, now?”

“Because,” Seungri said, pulling back to look into Seunghyun’s eyes. “I never thought - I never thought this would ever happen again.”

“What the sex?” Seunghyun joked. 

“No, waking up next to you.”

A chime sounded from the nightstand and Seungri rolled over to check his phone. “Meeting canceled, we’re off the hook.” 

“Good, come back here and appreciate waking up to me.”

Seungri laughed and rolled over. Sobering, Seunghyun laid back on the pillows and pulled Seungri to him, tucking him into his side and squeezing him tight. “I can’t believe you asked me out again. I can’t believe all this either but I’m so, so glad.”

“Jiyong told me about the instagram pictures.”

“Oh fuck, dammit Ji,” Seunghyun cursed. 

“I didn’t even really catch it, I was drunk and half asleep when he mentioned it and it took me a while to process it.” Seungri traced little patterns along the skin of Seunghyun’s chest. “I’ll admit it was clever, though I never would have figured it out on my own. But knowing a little bit of what was going on in your head -” he paused- “made it easier to hold on to you that day in the cafe.”

They lay like that, in silence for a while, watching the shadows of the trees outside sway along the walls of Seungri’s room, enjoying the fact that they were together and that they were happy. 

“I thought I’d wind up like Gatsby,” Seunghyun said, eventually. 

“Dead in a pool?” Seungri laughed

Seunghyun smirked at him then shook his head. “No, pathetic and alone, pining my life away staring at you, untouchable across the lake.”

“That’s funny.”

“Why is that funny?”

“Because I was Gatsby.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean everything I did, all of it. My movies, appearances, my album. I started all of it because I wanted you to notice me.”

“I always notice you.”

“No I mean,” Seungri paused looking for his words. “I mean acknowledge me. At least, that's why I started all of it. But then, I realized something.”

“What?” Seunghyun stroked his fingers thru Seungri’s hair, marveling in its feel, marveling that he could touch it again, like this. “What did you realize?”

“That I didn’t need it. That - you didn’t matter.”

“Oh, thanks,” Seunghyun said, but in him, pride swelled. 

“No - not like that,” Seungri screwed up his face. “Ugh, why can’t I say this right?”

“Take your time,” Seunghyun said. Seungri rested his chin on the hand spread over Seunghyun's chest, looking up at him. “Just say it how you think it.”

“I realized that - doing things so you would notice me was pointless. Because you weren’t going to notice me. Because it was over. And holding on to that, to us, to you - making everything I did about you made it -” he paused- “made it hollow.

“So I took it back. And I did it for me. And - somewhere in all of that, I don’t know. I think I grew up.”

Seunghyun sat up grinning and ruffled Seungri’s hair. “Good boy.”

Seungri laughed and swatted him away. “No, I’m serious.”

Sober, Seunghyun looked him in the eyes. “And so am I.” He took a deep breath. “Look, Ri. I did a lot of things wrong last time. I know it. I’m sorry. I wasn’t wrong about needing to grow up - well I was only half right. You needed to grow up. But so did I. I had to see the ways I was so wrong so that I could be worthy of you.”

“So are you going to let me have a say, then? In what I want?”

“What do you want?” Seunghyun held his breath, heart quivering inside him. 

Hands cupped his face and brought him close, Seungri pressing their foreheads together. “I want you. Forever.” Seungri kissed him, soft but demanding, his presence filling up Seunghyun’s entire world. 

As they kissed Seunghyun nodded, then broke off long enough to whisper, “yes,” against Seungri’s lips before being kissed again. 

“You know, it’s a good thing you said yes,” Seungri said, pulling back. 

“Why?”

“Because it makes this present much less weird.”

“Present? For why?”

“Well, technically it’s the anniversary of our first time.”

“You’re kidding, the night in the hotel?”

Seungri nodded. “And I know how sad you are about Melt closing down so -”

“What did you do?” Seunghyun asked as Seungri fished for his phone and pulled up a document then turned it to Seunghyun to read. “What is this?” Seunghyun’s eyes scanned over it. He recognized the name and address of the cafe, and Seungri’s name but - 

“I bought it.”

“You -”

Seungri stood and walked across his room then disappeared down the hall. The sound of a chain and then paws echoed down the hallway. Cucumber barrelled into the bedroom and pounced on Seunghyun littering his face with licks and howling with joy. 

“The owner said she comes with the place and technically it isn’t mine?”

Seunghyun looked at him in confusion, arms full of wriggling, ecstatic dog. 

“If you want it, it’s ours.” Seungri waited, apprehensive. 

A whole life appeared, in that moment, for Seunghyun to see. A life that was nothing like the one he’d mapped out for himself, or for Seungri. A life that was beautiful and full and built by the two of them together, just like this. 

“I want it,” Seunghyun said, holding out a hand, inviting Seungri back into the bed. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Well I hope you enjoyed! I'd intended for this to oooonly be 5-6 k but... writing a breakup and reconciliation takes a lot more words than that, apparently. Thanks to my prompter for being so inspiring, and for my support group for being amazing.


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